Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Today was a good day. I got to see Rane Stone & JT at Trisha & Eric's b-day bash, simply amazing performance.... I know you would have liked them! Rane has a few songs, that touch my heart so deeply, tonight it was a song, I never heard, it was called Heroes... All I could do was think of you. I thank God for my girl Jamie, as I sat on her lap & just cried it out... I miss you so very much. I go through this life, day by day, literally minute by minute & get so fucking angry that you chose to end your life. God I try so very hard to understand. WHY!!! FUCKING WHY??? You may not have believed it,but damn it I loved you, I will always love you forever and always.The funk came & went, and I am dealing with the cards I was given, it doesn't mean I understand or ever will... Your daughter & I miss you, wish so desperately you were here... You were my hero.....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Another restless night, so I thought maybe writing you would help. A lot going on, a bit stressed.... But it's not anything I cant get through. This week is sooooooo busy! Watching my friend's son tomorrow, & than hopefully hang out with my girl Charisse. Friday my friend Denise is coming over, and the day I have been looking forward to the most is Saturday! It's Trisha & Eric's b-day party that night, & they hired my favorite local musician Rane Stone & JT. I think you would have liked their music, they are amazing! Also Saturday is the national suicide prevention day! They have had national suicide prevention week (from 9/4 - 9/10) & on the 10Th we light a candle by the window at 8 PM, for those that we have lost to suicide. I asked Trisha if I could light a candle, & she said yes ( don't want all the attention on me). And babe her & Eric are letting me & Steven host a b-day party at their house! It will be EPIC! There will be a bonfire, and lots of fun! I know how much you loved going over there. Damn we all miss you so very much!!! Jess is taking me to go see Howie day in concert on 9/22... How I need that, to not sit & mop around all day. The triggers are all over the place this month. I don't remember it being this bad, when Jesse died. Hell when Jesse died, people never talked about suicide, like they do now. Amazes me how much has changed in nine years. Kennedy starts preschool on September 12Th. I am excited for her, it will be the afternoon classes. which means they are preparing her for kindergarten ( what a scary thought ). I can't believe our baby will be 5 in only a couple of months. My God, where does the time go? I love and miss you so very much....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... It is two in the morning, and I am so tired, but cant sleep. My head is just not in a good place the last couple of nights. If one more person tells me how strong I am , I swear I am going to punch them in the face! I put on such a good front, acting like everything is okay, but in reality I miss you so very much. People say the first year is the hardest, others say the second year. I just want off this roller coaster please. I NEVER asked to be on it. I also have to realize I can not use your suicide to push people away, or use it as an excuse, it's not fair to the people that have been there for me. I am feeling BITTER, and I do not want to be BITTER, I NEED TO BE BETTER!!! When the HELL does that happen? The other day I asked Kennedy if it made her mad to see other daddies with their kids, and she looked at me & said yes! I know you were in a dark place, but WHY, couldn't you think about her for just one second??? I know that is not the way it works, but DAMN IT I AM MAD!!! I wish with all my heart that you were here, to play with our daughter, to enjoy what beauty there is in life. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done you, & I wish I could go back in time & change things, but would the outcome be any different, I wonder.I am sorry I failed you as a wife, that I didn't pick up on the pieces, that you felt like you couldn't come & talk to me... I love and miss you so very much...
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Eleven months ago my life was forever changed. It was like being in the worst impossible nightmare ever. 9/22/2010 wow what a fucking day! That was the day my dad woke me up & I was welcomed by a handful of cops, and a Chaplin... That was the day I was told you took a 9 MM to your head. That was the day I never thought would happen. I knew as your wife people, wanted to blame me, to make up their own sense of reality about you. I forgive those people who blamed me, they did not know any better. That depression, is an illness, and you hid it well from all of us. No one knows what our marriage was like, or how I feel still all these months later. I know that I will never have the answers, and NO I am not okay with it, I just accept it... I still however play the what if game, and I know I should not do that. It will drive me insane, literally. I try to joke around, but damn you!!! As much as I understand you were depressed, I just do not get it.... No I am not bitter, but I am not better either...
~Ang

Dear Ricky,

Good morning baby... I was just having a moment, not a bad moment, but remembering the good, & happy memories... I don't know why but one memory that popped in my head was when Kennedy would repeat what we were saying, & she would say Ricky & point to you. You would get so upset, because she learned your name, & was not calling you daddy... And I all I could do was laugh...
Than I was thinking of my best friend Jesse, and remembering some of the better, happier memories I shared with him. One of my favorite memories of Jesse was when my parents, Steven, myself, Jesse, his aunt Debbie & cousin Brian went to Florida. I was sitting next to Jesse on the airplane, & he was laughing at me, because I was scared when the plane was getting ready to take off ( still freaks me out to this day, and I think of Jesse & laugh at myself)....
I can't believe that it has almost been a year, since you left this world... I think I am at the point, where I am no longer trying to figure out why you left, still struggling with the what ifs.... I miss you so very much. Kennedy misses you to.
I know you are watching over us, but it really is not the same.... You would be so proud of how our baby is growing up. She is such a ham, she makes me laugh so much. Of all the things I have done wrong in my life, she is the best thing I have ever done.
I survived another birthday - damn I'm getting old 34 NOW!!! Wowzers!!! It was a bitter-sweet birthday. My first one without you, a loss occurred that same day. Angie's dad past away & my heart is sad for her & her family's loss. You would have liked her dad a lot.
You are my first thought of the day, my last thought of the night. I think of you everyday. Steven & I are gonna plan on doing a b-day party for you this year. Last year your parents, Angie, Gina, Mia, myself & Bean had a birthday dinner. It was nice, but you should have been there...
I suppose I should get going for now, Still trying to clean up around here. Hell at least my kitchen is done!!! I love & miss you so very much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi babe... Guess I am just really missing you right now, wishing you were here. I feel I have been so blessed, even though things are a little crazy, I know everything will work out how it is suppose to. So I am trying my very best not to stress, because really there is no point in it. There are just so many what ifs running through my head right now, questioning my own self & wondering & worrying how things will turn out.... I look at your suicide in so many different ways, trying to focus on the positive things in my life, rather than the negative, trying to find that "silver lining"... I am not quite sure how to word it, without people thinking I am glad you are gone, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. Talking about your suicide with others has helped me in my healing process, I have met other survivors, & friendships with some of strengthened, showing me who will be there for me & Bean no matter what. I often wonder when I will get my "normal" back, I don't think it happens, but with time it gets easier, & I get a little bit stronger. I need you to do something for me, I need you to watch over Ang, her dad past away last week, & I can not even begin to imagine how hurt her heart is right now. I love and miss you so very much. Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So I have decided what I want to go back to school for. I have decided I want to be a school counselor. I am hoping to work with elementary school kids. I am going to check out Highline Community college. My birthday came and went... I did fine all day long, than BOOM it hit me like a ton of bricks... Maybe it was all the other things, combined with missing you so very much, that simply overwhelmed me. Kennedy & I were given a kitty yesterday. He is just the sweetest little thing, & loves "Bean" so much. He spends a lot of time in her room, I even spied him sleeping on her bed. We got him from Charisse, and his name is Max. He reminds me a bit of Howler. I am so nervous about going back to school... So odd to me to go back, sixteen years later. Even though I have now figured out what I want to go back to school for, it's going to take a lot of discipline on my part ( something, I do not always exercise)... I however still want to write a book, and hope to have it published. Life is at times so hard without you here, but I try so very hard to just go with the flow, not just for me, but for Kennedy to. I know that there has to be something positive to come out of your suicide, not really sure what that is or how I'm doing it.. I think by telling my story, maybe, just maybe it helps someone out there. Kennedy goes back to preschool soon. She will be in the afternoon class, which prepares her for kindergarten. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang