Dear Ricky,

On October 16th, I spoke at the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention Foundation's community walk in Bellingham.That was 3 days before your birthday. All those walks fell on or close to an important date. I did good, I didn't cry, not once, while I gave my speech. I had decided to take a on lie study, for PTSD... I was surprised at my score. I honestly figured it was just the grieving process. Now it makes sense...
The insomnia, the depression, the out bursts of anger, and the repalying of your suicide over & over & over in my mind. I thank God everyday, that I never found you, I am not sure just how strong I would be now.
I adopted the phrase "don't let the loss of your loved one define you. You define your loss." At times, I feel like such a hypocriate. When does this pain go away? Everyone sees the happy go lucky Ang, they do not see the Ang that can't sleep at night, the one who has to cry herslef to sleep some nights.
They don't kknow how I cringe, on father's day, how my heart just breaks a little every time I see a child with thier daddy...
This is my reality, you left this world, and I will probably never understand it, as much as I say I do.
My heart is so numb... I am angry, hurt, confused, and I feel so alone... I have amazing freinds & family.. But how many of them were blamed for your suicide? Sure they had self blame,but that is not the same thing.
I really wish this was just a nightmare....
~Ang~

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It's been quite a while, since I last wrote you. This year seems to have hit me a lot harder, than last year. I believe I was still so numb and in shock that you were gone. This is the second year of birthdays, you have missed, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New year's. Our baby is going to be five, I can't believe it, how the time flies!
I have been busy fundraising for the Overnight in San Francisco on June 9 -10, 2012. I just finished up with one silent auction, that raised $500 at Louie G's Pizzeria in Fife. It was such a blast. My favorite local band ( well hell, they are my favorite band period ) Klover Jane was there, which ROCKED! I think you would have liked them. Bean just loves them, and of course she loves the lead singer Rane Stone, and guitarist JT Phillips!
I am planning on more fundraising events, in which I hope I raise lots of money for the AFSP ( American Foundation For Suicide Prevention ). I honestly wish, I did not have to be apart of this club. To be called a survivor.... Hmmm, that is a term, I never really had been given. But the term, seems so fitting. For I have survived your suicide, the vicious rumors that were told. People that thought they knew you, our marriage and of course my own self guilt.
Finally a year later, I no longer blame myself, or even you. I know you were in a dark place, and maybe now you have peace. I miss you so very much, and I wish things were different and that you were still here, but I know you are watching over us. It is just not the same.
We love and miss you so very much, and I am just sorry that you didn't know how LOVED you were!