Dear Ricky,

On October 16th, I spoke at the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention Foundation's community walk in Bellingham.That was 3 days before your birthday. All those walks fell on or close to an important date. I did good, I didn't cry, not once, while I gave my speech. I had decided to take a on lie study, for PTSD... I was surprised at my score. I honestly figured it was just the grieving process. Now it makes sense...
The insomnia, the depression, the out bursts of anger, and the repalying of your suicide over & over & over in my mind. I thank God everyday, that I never found you, I am not sure just how strong I would be now.
I adopted the phrase "don't let the loss of your loved one define you. You define your loss." At times, I feel like such a hypocriate. When does this pain go away? Everyone sees the happy go lucky Ang, they do not see the Ang that can't sleep at night, the one who has to cry herslef to sleep some nights.
They don't kknow how I cringe, on father's day, how my heart just breaks a little every time I see a child with thier daddy...
This is my reality, you left this world, and I will probably never understand it, as much as I say I do.
My heart is so numb... I am angry, hurt, confused, and I feel so alone... I have amazing freinds & family.. But how many of them were blamed for your suicide? Sure they had self blame,but that is not the same thing.
I really wish this was just a nightmare....
~Ang~

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It's been quite a while, since I last wrote you. This year seems to have hit me a lot harder, than last year. I believe I was still so numb and in shock that you were gone. This is the second year of birthdays, you have missed, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New year's. Our baby is going to be five, I can't believe it, how the time flies!
I have been busy fundraising for the Overnight in San Francisco on June 9 -10, 2012. I just finished up with one silent auction, that raised $500 at Louie G's Pizzeria in Fife. It was such a blast. My favorite local band ( well hell, they are my favorite band period ) Klover Jane was there, which ROCKED! I think you would have liked them. Bean just loves them, and of course she loves the lead singer Rane Stone, and guitarist JT Phillips!
I am planning on more fundraising events, in which I hope I raise lots of money for the AFSP ( American Foundation For Suicide Prevention ). I honestly wish, I did not have to be apart of this club. To be called a survivor.... Hmmm, that is a term, I never really had been given. But the term, seems so fitting. For I have survived your suicide, the vicious rumors that were told. People that thought they knew you, our marriage and of course my own self guilt.
Finally a year later, I no longer blame myself, or even you. I know you were in a dark place, and maybe now you have peace. I miss you so very much, and I wish things were different and that you were still here, but I know you are watching over us. It is just not the same.
We love and miss you so very much, and I am just sorry that you didn't know how LOVED you were!

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... So many exciting things to tell you. I was asked to speak at the opening ceremonies for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention community walk in Bellingham on October 16Th. I am humbled, and honored. If anyone would ever have told me, how significant these walks were, I am not quite sure I would believe it. If anyone would have told me that I could do something so amazing with my grief, I am not sure I would believe it. To share my story with others, and offer them that hope, is such an amazing feeling.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you, or how much you have missed out on. I can't believe your birthday is just around the corner. Eric and Trisha have been so awesome, to let me host an epic birthday bash/bon fire in your memory. My favorite local musicians Rane Stone and JT Phillips will be playing. I think you would like them. Bean loves them to, she flirts with JT and it's so cute (she so doesn't get that from me at all)... Okay, okay, maybe she gets the flirting from me ;)
It seems unreal to me, that this is the second time in a year we are celebrating another birthday without you.... Where does the time go? When does my heart get back to normal? I guess this is the best way to sum it up, is like this.Time heals all open wounds, the scar that remains is to remind you of what you were strong enough
to overcome.
You are loved and missed so very much!
Love always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hello baby. Well it has now been a little over a year since you past away. Today kinda hit hard. I can't believe that we buried you a year ago tomorrow. I find it ironic, that tomorrow's American Foundation For Suicide Prevention community walk is tomorrow, the anniversary of the day we buried you. I know I will meet others, with similar stories like mine. It will be a day of healing, and raising awareness. Why can't I just get back to my NORMAL??? Will that ever happen, I wonder? The girl who was the life of the party, the girl who can find beauty in the smallest things, and just laugh until it hurts. The girl who doesn't fall apart when she hears a song that reminds her of the way it use to be. The girl, everyone thinks is so strong, but has fallen apart. The girl who loved with all of her heart, trying so desperately to find something to believe in again. I didn't expect this day to hit me like it has, just seems like a bad nightmare still. I want to SCREAM, I am so tired of the tears... So tired of not being me..... Love always n forever, Ang

Dear Ricky,

Well September twenty second came and went in a blink of an eye. The day went better, than I thought. I'm not gonna lie & say that September was not full of triggers... It still seems so unreal to me that you are gone, you are really gone. I am doing the best I can to just get back to me. I felt so lost for sooooo long. I have had to really reevaluate a lot of things in my life. This also includes the people, that I thought would always be there for me no matter what. I learned quickly who my true friends are. Kinda sad in a way, but it is what it is. So many changes going on, it is scary. And I wish you were here to just tell me it is all gonna work out. I still often wonder what if... I just want you to know you are missed & loved by so many.
Love always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

A year has come & went, in the blink of an eye. Still so hard to imagine this is my reality, that you are gone.You have missed out on so much, it is not fair. Kennedy growing up without her daddy = NOT FAIR!!! A year later, and I still wonder what the hell. A year later, I still wish you were here.
SUICIDE A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM! A year later, I am left to pick up the broken pieces you left behind....
Love you always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It seems as though I am full of anger, and I know it is miss directed, and I know I need to work on it... A friend thinks it's because you are not here to yell at, little does she know, I do yell at, I curse you out!!I am not this bitter person, and I am trying so hard to make sense of everything, even after all this time.
Your suicide has took me on a roller coaster of emotions. When I think I am better, BOOM out of no where a trigger comes, and takes me on a downward spiral. Your suicide has made me question myself, every friendship I have, a feeling of complete & utter CRAZINESS!!! I know you had no idea how your suicide would affect any one, because if you did, you would still be here. You were in such a dark place, no one could reach you.
I still feel numb, so very numb... All of the things you have missed out in the last year, all the things you are going to miss out on! This SUCKS!!! I am not sure when I will ever get back to normal, or if I ever will.
I wonder so many different things, and will more than likely never have any answers...I can't make anyone understand my pain, my anger, my loss, my doubt, my self blame, all I can do is focus on me and our baby girl. I have tried helping a few people with their feelings, and I just can't emotionally do it any more.... It's not just one person, but a couple. I have been told time & time again how strong I am, yeah right! They have no clue how I break down ( hell even as I'm sitting here typing this), how you were spiraling out of control. How well you hid your depression from all of us. They have no idea what it is like to be blamed for some one's suicide (let alone your own husband's), all the rumors, all the self doubt, fear... That is what you left behind for me to deal with... I am doing my best to pick up the pieces that you have left behind for me to clean up. See the anger coming out!!!! I do not want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand simply where I am coming from.... That this is my reality, that I am trying,and I'll figure out how to come to peace with your suicide, and truly forgive those that need to be forgiven. This is a hell, I wish I didn't have to be in.
~Ang