On October 16th, I spoke at the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention Foundation's community walk in Bellingham.That was 3 days before your birthday. All those walks fell on or close to an important date. I did good, I didn't cry, not once, while I gave my speech. I had decided to take a on lie study, for PTSD... I was surprised at my score. I honestly figured it was just the grieving process. Now it makes sense...
The insomnia, the depression, the out bursts of anger, and the repalying of your suicide over & over & over in my mind. I thank God everyday, that I never found you, I am not sure just how strong I would be now.
I adopted the phrase "don't let the loss of your loved one define you. You define your loss." At times, I feel like such a hypocriate. When does this pain go away? Everyone sees the happy go lucky Ang, they do not see the Ang that can't sleep at night, the one who has to cry herslef to sleep some nights.
They don't kknow how I cringe, on father's day, how my heart just breaks a little every time I see a child with thier daddy...
This is my reality, you left this world, and I will probably never understand it, as much as I say I do.
My heart is so numb... I am angry, hurt, confused, and I feel so alone... I have amazing freinds & family.. But how many of them were blamed for your suicide? Sure they had self blame,but that is not the same thing.
I really wish this was just a nightmare....
~Ang~
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