Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It seems as though I am full of anger, and I know it is miss directed, and I know I need to work on it... A friend thinks it's because you are not here to yell at, little does she know, I do yell at, I curse you out!!I am not this bitter person, and I am trying so hard to make sense of everything, even after all this time.
Your suicide has took me on a roller coaster of emotions. When I think I am better, BOOM out of no where a trigger comes, and takes me on a downward spiral. Your suicide has made me question myself, every friendship I have, a feeling of complete & utter CRAZINESS!!! I know you had no idea how your suicide would affect any one, because if you did, you would still be here. You were in such a dark place, no one could reach you.
I still feel numb, so very numb... All of the things you have missed out in the last year, all the things you are going to miss out on! This SUCKS!!! I am not sure when I will ever get back to normal, or if I ever will.
I wonder so many different things, and will more than likely never have any answers...I can't make anyone understand my pain, my anger, my loss, my doubt, my self blame, all I can do is focus on me and our baby girl. I have tried helping a few people with their feelings, and I just can't emotionally do it any more.... It's not just one person, but a couple. I have been told time & time again how strong I am, yeah right! They have no clue how I break down ( hell even as I'm sitting here typing this), how you were spiraling out of control. How well you hid your depression from all of us. They have no idea what it is like to be blamed for some one's suicide (let alone your own husband's), all the rumors, all the self doubt, fear... That is what you left behind for me to deal with... I am doing my best to pick up the pieces that you have left behind for me to clean up. See the anger coming out!!!! I do not want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand simply where I am coming from.... That this is my reality, that I am trying,and I'll figure out how to come to peace with your suicide, and truly forgive those that need to be forgiven. This is a hell, I wish I didn't have to be in.
~Ang