Dear Ricky,

Hi baby! Today was an emotionally BAD DAY FOR ME! I am not sure if it was lack of sleep, or what my problem is today! So I am upset with your mom today ( and as you know that rarely happens )! I try to make sure Kennedy gets time with your parents, yet when I call them, they do not return my calls, or they wait till the last minute to try to plan something with her. There has been some terrible things said on all three of our parts, and with all the things that your father has said to me, I still allow Kennedy to spend time with your parents. What they fail to realize is those words still hurt like hell, and I am trying to be the better person. But I am feeling attacked yet again, and refuse to keep doing this with them, when they feel the need to Have an emotional punching bag. At the end of the day, it ANGERS ME, HURTS ME, MAKES ME SAD AND DISAPPOINTS ME! I begin to think and feel that maybe I should hold off on all visits, until I am not feeling bullied into - when you think about it ). I know if you were alive, you would be disappointed at the situation this has created. Your parents are suppose to have Kennedy Tuesday night, and now I am wondering if I should allow her to go over there or not. I don't want to take that away from Kennedy, but at the same time, I will not feel bad, because I have plans for MY DAUGHTER! SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE, SOONER OR LATTER AND BABY I'M GIVING! TODAY WAS MY BREAKING POINT AND THAT BREAKS, MY ALREADY BROKEN HEART!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, today is Thanksgiving. It seems so odd to me that you are not here this year. I miss you so very much! I am thankful for a lot this year. I have amazing family & friends, that I am not sure what I would do without! You know Thanksgiving, has never been that easy for me! Time sure flies by, doesn't even seem like it should be Thanksgiving ( where did our summer go )??? This year, we are cooking at Grandma & Grandpa's house (since it's hard for Grandma to get around). Your sister is cooking at her house this year ( Kennedy & I were invited to go over there, but the roads are to bad, to drive that far, plus with my Grandma - I want to make sure I spend time with her ). I hope you are having a wonderful time up there, visiting with your family & friends, enjoying a good old fashion feast! I know you are with some amazing people, that on earth, you never got to meet, but they meant the world to me. I love and miss you so very much baby!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So today is the two month anniversary of your death. On Saturday I went to a conference for survivors of suicide loss. It was so inspirational to hear other survivors stories, to UNDERSTAND I AM NOT ALONE, was an amazing feeling. God how I miss you. I am going through pics/videos (it's nice I have a few videos), so I can still hear your voice. I am planning on doing the overnight Walk Out Of The Darkness (for prevention & awareness of suicide). It's in New York,on June 4, & 5Th 2011. It felt like a sign, that I have to go & do this (since that would have been our 6Th wedding anniversary). Wendy said she would go with me to New York, and it's such an amazing cause! I love and miss you so very much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi. Today was a on the emotional side today. I went to see you. You know if anyone would ever told me, I would have gotten married, and have a baby, I would have told them they were CRAZY! I never dreamed in a million years, that I would become a widowed single mom. The word widow seems so foreign to me. If anyone would have told me you would have taken your own life I would have never believed them! You had a beautiful heart, and you loved life. How crazy things get, in just the blink of an eye. Some people may think it is easy to deal with your death, since I have lost others to suicide before. No it's not easy, I just know what feelings are coming up. I think the crazy part about all of this, has been I HAVE NEVER ONCE BLAMED ANYONE, I THINK A PART OF ME WANTED TO, BUT I KNOW IT IS NO ONE'S FAULT! WHILE SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT I BLAME YOU, I ASK THEM WHO I AM SUPPOSE TO BLAME??? I understand for some they need to do whatever it takes to get over their grief. I still get angry with you, I still question why, I still have the what if's in the back of my mind, I still wish with all of my heart that things would have been different. So at the end of the day - I'm SURVIVING!!!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today is Kennedy's fourth birthday! My mom and I took her to dinner at Apple bees. Of course all she wanted was mac n cheese. I brought cupcakes in to preschool for her class. She was treated like a princess. They gave her a special crown,sang happy birthday to her, and let her pick a special toy to bring home. You know a part of me is still angry with you, about leaving this world. AND YES I KNOW, I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER AS TO WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID! IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT IN ONE MOMENT YOU TOOK YOUR LIFE, AND LEFT BEHIND OUR BABY GIRL! I AM BROKEN, AND MAYBE TIME WILL FIX IT, BUT I AM NOT SO SURE.I PRAY THAT I CAN FORGIVE YOU, FORGIVE MYSELF AND BE OKAY! The other night at work, someone saw me cry, and he came up to me the next day. He said to me, I was shell shocked - because I haven't seen you cry. I was wondering if you were a woman. His words didn't anger me, but made me laugh. I told him, when I'm at work I focus on what needs to be done, and do my job 100%. I told him I try to really not cry in front of anyone (especially Kennedy) - I don't want people to worry about me, to see me broken. I don't tell anyone how broken and shattered I feel. I try to joke, but inside my heart is empty. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. What a crazy few days it has been! I can't believe our baby girl will be four on Monday! Where does the time go? I really want to go back to school, but I don't think I can get your unused GI bill, so I will have to look into grants/scholarships. Some mornings I wake up, and just cry. I miss you so very much. I started a group on Face book entitled I am a survivor of suicide. I want to raise awareness about suicide. Remember how I told you about the woman Maria, whose brother committed suicide a few months ago? She has been on my mind a lot lately. At church I asked Pastor Jason to pray with me for her. I miss you so very much, and I know you may not be here with me physically, but you are here with me in spirit. I love you so very much (and not day goes by, that I do not think about you) and how I wish things would have turned out differently! I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I think I am finding my way baby!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi babe. Today we had Kennedy's b-day party, and man did that kid get spoiled ROTTEN!
A lot of people came, and it was fun. Even though I know you were here in spirit, it wasn't the same with out you. Your mom wasn't feeling good, so your parents couldn't make it out, and I guess your sister wasn't feeling to good either, so her and Gina didn't make it out. Kristy made Kennedy's cake, it was so stinking cute! She did a 3-D Sponge Bob cake! I miss you baby, and it's times like today, that are bitter sweet. I wish you would have known/believed that you were loved so much....
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I am having a good day today. I talked to a woman yesterday before I started my shift, and she had asked me if I was the one who lost my husband. I replied yes, she than explained to me that her brother committed suicide three months ago. I wanted to cry for her, and just hug her for hours. I feel bad for her, because she has no real support system. Her own mother thinks the brother died of a heart attack (broke my heart, when she told me her story). She said her husband, doesn't understand why she still cries (three months later).... I explained to her that I have been through this three times in my life (the first was my cousin (I didn't know him (so I had no sense of guilt, or any of the questions, than my best friend Jesse (wow - it took me a long time, and some professional help to get over that, than you... and unlike Jesse, I know a part of me is broken, damaged, but there is a light inside of me that makes me get up every morning, and take care of our beautiful little girl). I hope she will go to support groups, and get some help, a suicide, I explained is one of the hardest things to get over (you never fully understand as to why)... I love and miss you more than words can say.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang