Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. As I write this letter to you, I wonder where does the time go? I can't believe tomorrow is new year's eve. A few people, want me to do stuff with them, and I am not sure I really want to do much of anything ( guess I'll play it by ear ). I am however excited about going to NY in June for the walk through the darkness. I'm excited to see how much money we will raise at our silent auction. Yesterday was Bonnie's funeral ( it was a beautiful service ). My heart breaks for Trisha & Alina ( to lose their mom in such a violent way, & before Christmas ). I ask that you watch over my girls ( I know with Bonnie, you & Terri in Heaven, they have the best guardian angels watching over them ). I hope I am making you proud, & I hope with all my heart that I have reached someone, who has thought suicide is the way, to change their mind. Since your death, I have seen more media coverage about suicide. Which has always been a taboo subject, so to me this is amazing. I love you so very much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, today was a good day. Since your death, I have met so many more survivors of suicide loss. My friend Michael ( he was the DJ at our wedding) was kind enough to donate his time to DJ my silent auction benefit to help raise funds for the walk in NY ( donations for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention - Wallk Through The Darkness Overnight). I am getting a bit annoyed ( the damn place has Wendy by herself - when she's on my team, I know it will work out, but you know me Patience is not my strong point). Tomorrow is Bonnie's funeral, I am still shocked she is gone. This year has been filled with so much pain and sadness, I hope 2011 will get better! You want to hear a funny story. Kennedy apparently wanted something, that was put away, and was bugging Michael for it. She comes in my room, crying, saying he is mean, he's an ass hole. I looked at her, and asked if she just said ass hole, and she said uh hu! I tried so hard not to laugh ( it was kinda cute). Not a day goes by, that I do not think about you, and miss you, wishing you were here to experience all the craziness that is my life. I love and miss you. Love always n forever your wife, Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was my melt down. I went & got myself a coffee, and as I was headed back home, I saw a car that looked like yours ( while listening to the first cut is the deepest ). It made me cry. While I am trying to learn to live again, I miss you so very much. I don't know why certain people have came back in my life, but they have. I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and it may take a while to figure it out, maybe never... Gosh I am just rattling on & on... I didn't think today would be hard, but it is. It feels like I have to learn to live again, and while I am trying, I find I am much more guarded than ever before. I am "lost" and confused about a lot of things right now. Maybe I am over thinking things ( like I always do ) but it seems by over thinking things, it takes away the pain of loosing you. No matter what, you were the one I loved, and it still seems unreal to me that you are gone. I am not sure where things will end up, but I know there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I wish with all my heart that things were different, and you were still here. People ask me what do you want for Christmas... And I know it sounds silly, but I wish with everything I have that you were still here. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today is not a good day, today I found out Bonnie was murdered! My heart breaks for Alina & Trisha. It feels like a bad nightmare ( and this comes one day shy of the 3 month anniversary of your death). I pray that they find who did this to Bonnie, and that her family will be able to heal. I pray that Alina finds my phone number & calls me to let me know she is safe. I had tried finding Bonnie - so I could tell her & Alina about your suicide... Now it seems to me that you two have a lot of catching up there in heaven to do. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was a good, but long day. Why do I feel I have to justify myself to some people??? I do my best, and sometimes it feels like it is never enough. Some one actually had the nerve to compare their divorce to a death today!!!! I understand they were trying to make a point, but really that was just complete nonsense to me! It would have been like me saying to a Friend - hey I know how you feel when their husband was deployed ( yet you were always "home" ). Okay I honestly think I did say something like that, but now I realize that while my intentions were good - that was a ridiculous thing for me to say!!! I hope my friend realizes I never meant to imply I know how she felt. It is frustrating this time of year, to try & make sure Kennedy gets to spend time with your family & mine ( as it has been, since we moved back home ). I am so tired of feeling like my best is not good enough for those who are not really apart of the situation. To live with your suicide has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my lifetime! I still find myself asking why, blaming myself, answering to people who act like a friend to my face, and blame me for your suicide behind my back... I do my best not to take out my anger on others, but I know that I have... I find that I am lost, and I know I will find my way! I just miss you and wish you were, so you could deal with this mess!!! God I am so ANGRY WITH YOU!!!! I feel that I have to justify my feelings to people who were apart of your life, that just weren't around ( and no I am not saying that your death is any one's fault), I just find it odd that people have came out of the blue to ask me point blank if I blame you!!! WTF kind of question is that? It is no one's fault, and as I am learning more about suicide prevention - I realize that there was something off, that you were not in your right mind. I will NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I THINK OR FEEL TO ANY ONE ( NOT YOUR "FRIENDS" OR YOUR FAMILY)! I am wondering if I should post this blog tonight or not, as I am sure I will catch some type of hell over it. But these are my feelings, and I know the aftermath that will come of this. I think what really hurts the most is some of the things that have been said to me after you past away, and yes while they are only words, it was worst thing ever!!!! I think some people want to "protect" you & your memory, and I understand that, I get it, but I will not allow people to bully me into thinking that their way is the right way of thinking. I really understand that this person tonight was trying to her in mind stick up for your parents, but you know what there comes a point, where I wonder who will stick up for me. I am not trying to make people feel bad for me, but maybe make them understand I have feelings to! I realize your death isn't just my loss, but your daughter's, your parents, your other family members, my family & all of our friends as well. In a nutshell I do not see how it is right or fair for people to say " to loose a mate is hard, but to loose a child is worse". I do not understand why people have said to me it is not my fault to my face, than behind my back blame me for your suicide. I do not understand how a person can say I am free, you are dead.... These are some of the words that have broken my heart, and I am not sure how to make the pain of those words hurt less. Maybe I am taking everything way out of proportion,I know when it gets close to the twenty second of the month - I fall apart. They say time heals all wounds, but how do you ever recover from loosing the person you loved with all of your heart and soul? This has weighed on my mind a lot lately! I know I will never know why you chose to end your life... I just wish people understood my side of things a little more, and instead of jumping all over me, they take a minute to think about what they say... In some situations I have been made to feel like I do not do enough for your parents to see Kennedy ( in a lot of cases where a spouse dies of suicide - the surviving parent will not let that child near their that person's family). So I think I have done an okay job with all that has been said and done on every one's part allowing Kennedy time with your parents. I just wish everyone would quit telling me that I am not doing enough :( I love and miss you so much, till we meet again... Love always n forever your wife, Ang

Dear Ricky

Hi baby. It has been a rough 48 hours! Grandma is in the hospital, she was not able to walk. She has been in the hospital since Sunday. From what I understand when she is released from the hospital, they want to put her in a rehabilitation home ( to help her get her strength back. I am going to visit her after I am off work today. My dad has another surgery tomorrow, it seems like when it rains it pours. I am missing you so very much right now! It's not fair that we don't have Christmas this year with you. Friends want to hang out on new years eve & for the first time, I am not feeling like doing much of anything, but crawling in bed & crying. How much more can one person be expected to take? Kennedy has her assessment for bridges on Wednesday ( it is a support group for children ages 4 - 18 years old who have lost a parent ). I hope this will help her get through the pain of loosing you. It seems so unreal to me still that you are gone, I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to say I've been punked. It's a bad joke, that you are okay and you never left us at all! Why do I still feel this way almost three months later? Why have I chose to let certian things bother me so much, I know it will not bring you back. I love and miss you so very much - I am doing the best I can do, and sometimes that feels like it is not enough!
love always n forver you wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I am really missing you today. I am getting geared up to start training for the 18 mile walk in NY. I can't believe Christmas is only 21 days away. I have Kennedy all done. I am getting anxious to give her presents now! I am also getting anxious to get my website for the Walk trough the darkness, and get that going very soon. I miss you so much! I found some new friends ( I think I will start going to their support group). while your death left so much sadness in my heart, I know there is a silver lining there somewhere, I just have to open my eyes & my heart to find it. I think of you everyday, wishing you were here. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang