Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was a good, but long day. Why do I feel I have to justify myself to some people??? I do my best, and sometimes it feels like it is never enough. Some one actually had the nerve to compare their divorce to a death today!!!! I understand they were trying to make a point, but really that was just complete nonsense to me! It would have been like me saying to a Friend - hey I know how you feel when their husband was deployed ( yet you were always "home" ). Okay I honestly think I did say something like that, but now I realize that while my intentions were good - that was a ridiculous thing for me to say!!! I hope my friend realizes I never meant to imply I know how she felt. It is frustrating this time of year, to try & make sure Kennedy gets to spend time with your family & mine ( as it has been, since we moved back home ). I am so tired of feeling like my best is not good enough for those who are not really apart of the situation. To live with your suicide has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my lifetime! I still find myself asking why, blaming myself, answering to people who act like a friend to my face, and blame me for your suicide behind my back... I do my best not to take out my anger on others, but I know that I have... I find that I am lost, and I know I will find my way! I just miss you and wish you were, so you could deal with this mess!!! God I am so ANGRY WITH YOU!!!! I feel that I have to justify my feelings to people who were apart of your life, that just weren't around ( and no I am not saying that your death is any one's fault), I just find it odd that people have came out of the blue to ask me point blank if I blame you!!! WTF kind of question is that? It is no one's fault, and as I am learning more about suicide prevention - I realize that there was something off, that you were not in your right mind. I will NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I THINK OR FEEL TO ANY ONE ( NOT YOUR "FRIENDS" OR YOUR FAMILY)! I am wondering if I should post this blog tonight or not, as I am sure I will catch some type of hell over it. But these are my feelings, and I know the aftermath that will come of this. I think what really hurts the most is some of the things that have been said to me after you past away, and yes while they are only words, it was worst thing ever!!!! I think some people want to "protect" you & your memory, and I understand that, I get it, but I will not allow people to bully me into thinking that their way is the right way of thinking. I really understand that this person tonight was trying to her in mind stick up for your parents, but you know what there comes a point, where I wonder who will stick up for me. I am not trying to make people feel bad for me, but maybe make them understand I have feelings to! I realize your death isn't just my loss, but your daughter's, your parents, your other family members, my family & all of our friends as well. In a nutshell I do not see how it is right or fair for people to say " to loose a mate is hard, but to loose a child is worse". I do not understand why people have said to me it is not my fault to my face, than behind my back blame me for your suicide. I do not understand how a person can say I am free, you are dead.... These are some of the words that have broken my heart, and I am not sure how to make the pain of those words hurt less. Maybe I am taking everything way out of proportion,I know when it gets close to the twenty second of the month - I fall apart. They say time heals all wounds, but how do you ever recover from loosing the person you loved with all of your heart and soul? This has weighed on my mind a lot lately! I know I will never know why you chose to end your life... I just wish people understood my side of things a little more, and instead of jumping all over me, they take a minute to think about what they say... In some situations I have been made to feel like I do not do enough for your parents to see Kennedy ( in a lot of cases where a spouse dies of suicide - the surviving parent will not let that child near their that person's family). So I think I have done an okay job with all that has been said and done on every one's part allowing Kennedy time with your parents. I just wish everyone would quit telling me that I am not doing enough :( I love and miss you so much, till we meet again... Love always n forever your wife, Ang