Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Eleven months ago my life was forever changed. It was like being in the worst impossible nightmare ever. 9/22/2010 wow what a fucking day! That was the day my dad woke me up & I was welcomed by a handful of cops, and a Chaplin... That was the day I was told you took a 9 MM to your head. That was the day I never thought would happen. I knew as your wife people, wanted to blame me, to make up their own sense of reality about you. I forgive those people who blamed me, they did not know any better. That depression, is an illness, and you hid it well from all of us. No one knows what our marriage was like, or how I feel still all these months later. I know that I will never have the answers, and NO I am not okay with it, I just accept it... I still however play the what if game, and I know I should not do that. It will drive me insane, literally. I try to joke around, but damn you!!! As much as I understand you were depressed, I just do not get it.... No I am not bitter, but I am not better either...
~Ang

Dear Ricky,

Good morning baby... I was just having a moment, not a bad moment, but remembering the good, & happy memories... I don't know why but one memory that popped in my head was when Kennedy would repeat what we were saying, & she would say Ricky & point to you. You would get so upset, because she learned your name, & was not calling you daddy... And I all I could do was laugh...
Than I was thinking of my best friend Jesse, and remembering some of the better, happier memories I shared with him. One of my favorite memories of Jesse was when my parents, Steven, myself, Jesse, his aunt Debbie & cousin Brian went to Florida. I was sitting next to Jesse on the airplane, & he was laughing at me, because I was scared when the plane was getting ready to take off ( still freaks me out to this day, and I think of Jesse & laugh at myself)....
I can't believe that it has almost been a year, since you left this world... I think I am at the point, where I am no longer trying to figure out why you left, still struggling with the what ifs.... I miss you so very much. Kennedy misses you to.
I know you are watching over us, but it really is not the same.... You would be so proud of how our baby is growing up. She is such a ham, she makes me laugh so much. Of all the things I have done wrong in my life, she is the best thing I have ever done.
I survived another birthday - damn I'm getting old 34 NOW!!! Wowzers!!! It was a bitter-sweet birthday. My first one without you, a loss occurred that same day. Angie's dad past away & my heart is sad for her & her family's loss. You would have liked her dad a lot.
You are my first thought of the day, my last thought of the night. I think of you everyday. Steven & I are gonna plan on doing a b-day party for you this year. Last year your parents, Angie, Gina, Mia, myself & Bean had a birthday dinner. It was nice, but you should have been there...
I suppose I should get going for now, Still trying to clean up around here. Hell at least my kitchen is done!!! I love & miss you so very much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi babe... Guess I am just really missing you right now, wishing you were here. I feel I have been so blessed, even though things are a little crazy, I know everything will work out how it is suppose to. So I am trying my very best not to stress, because really there is no point in it. There are just so many what ifs running through my head right now, questioning my own self & wondering & worrying how things will turn out.... I look at your suicide in so many different ways, trying to focus on the positive things in my life, rather than the negative, trying to find that "silver lining"... I am not quite sure how to word it, without people thinking I am glad you are gone, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. Talking about your suicide with others has helped me in my healing process, I have met other survivors, & friendships with some of strengthened, showing me who will be there for me & Bean no matter what. I often wonder when I will get my "normal" back, I don't think it happens, but with time it gets easier, & I get a little bit stronger. I need you to do something for me, I need you to watch over Ang, her dad past away last week, & I can not even begin to imagine how hurt her heart is right now. I love and miss you so very much. Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So I have decided what I want to go back to school for. I have decided I want to be a school counselor. I am hoping to work with elementary school kids. I am going to check out Highline Community college. My birthday came and went... I did fine all day long, than BOOM it hit me like a ton of bricks... Maybe it was all the other things, combined with missing you so very much, that simply overwhelmed me. Kennedy & I were given a kitty yesterday. He is just the sweetest little thing, & loves "Bean" so much. He spends a lot of time in her room, I even spied him sleeping on her bed. We got him from Charisse, and his name is Max. He reminds me a bit of Howler. I am so nervous about going back to school... So odd to me to go back, sixteen years later. Even though I have now figured out what I want to go back to school for, it's going to take a lot of discipline on my part ( something, I do not always exercise)... I however still want to write a book, and hope to have it published. Life is at times so hard without you here, but I try so very hard to just go with the flow, not just for me, but for Kennedy to. I know that there has to be something positive to come out of your suicide, not really sure what that is or how I'm doing it.. I think by telling my story, maybe, just maybe it helps someone out there. Kennedy goes back to preschool soon. She will be in the afternoon class, which prepares her for kindergarten. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dera Ricky,

Hi baby, been a while since I wrote you. The other day I went & saw you, I was gonna go to Alki, & think, but something changed my mind, & I just felt the need to visit you. We really have not had a great summer here, but it is what it is! I took Kennedy to see the Smurfs movie, she liked it a lot. Oh yeah they made a second cars movie to, it was really cute. They focused on Mater a lot, & you know Mater always reminded me of you in some funny way. Now they are making a third Alvin & the chipmunks movie to, it opens on Christmas, and of course Kennedy wants to see it. Been thinking about getting a cat. Kennedy's been bugging me about getting one. Jen says she has one, she wants to find a home for. He's three years old, and declawed, he just does not seem to get along with other animals good. So I am really thinking about it, I miss having a pet so bad. Love and miss you a lot.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang