Dear Ricky,

Hello baby. Well it has now been a little over a year since you past away. Today kinda hit hard. I can't believe that we buried you a year ago tomorrow. I find it ironic, that tomorrow's American Foundation For Suicide Prevention community walk is tomorrow, the anniversary of the day we buried you. I know I will meet others, with similar stories like mine. It will be a day of healing, and raising awareness. Why can't I just get back to my NORMAL??? Will that ever happen, I wonder? The girl who was the life of the party, the girl who can find beauty in the smallest things, and just laugh until it hurts. The girl who doesn't fall apart when she hears a song that reminds her of the way it use to be. The girl, everyone thinks is so strong, but has fallen apart. The girl who loved with all of her heart, trying so desperately to find something to believe in again. I didn't expect this day to hit me like it has, just seems like a bad nightmare still. I want to SCREAM, I am so tired of the tears... So tired of not being me..... Love always n forever, Ang

Dear Ricky,

Well September twenty second came and went in a blink of an eye. The day went better, than I thought. I'm not gonna lie & say that September was not full of triggers... It still seems so unreal to me that you are gone, you are really gone. I am doing the best I can to just get back to me. I felt so lost for sooooo long. I have had to really reevaluate a lot of things in my life. This also includes the people, that I thought would always be there for me no matter what. I learned quickly who my true friends are. Kinda sad in a way, but it is what it is. So many changes going on, it is scary. And I wish you were here to just tell me it is all gonna work out. I still often wonder what if... I just want you to know you are missed & loved by so many.
Love always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

A year has come & went, in the blink of an eye. Still so hard to imagine this is my reality, that you are gone.You have missed out on so much, it is not fair. Kennedy growing up without her daddy = NOT FAIR!!! A year later, and I still wonder what the hell. A year later, I still wish you were here.
SUICIDE A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM! A year later, I am left to pick up the broken pieces you left behind....
Love you always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It seems as though I am full of anger, and I know it is miss directed, and I know I need to work on it... A friend thinks it's because you are not here to yell at, little does she know, I do yell at, I curse you out!!I am not this bitter person, and I am trying so hard to make sense of everything, even after all this time.
Your suicide has took me on a roller coaster of emotions. When I think I am better, BOOM out of no where a trigger comes, and takes me on a downward spiral. Your suicide has made me question myself, every friendship I have, a feeling of complete & utter CRAZINESS!!! I know you had no idea how your suicide would affect any one, because if you did, you would still be here. You were in such a dark place, no one could reach you.
I still feel numb, so very numb... All of the things you have missed out in the last year, all the things you are going to miss out on! This SUCKS!!! I am not sure when I will ever get back to normal, or if I ever will.
I wonder so many different things, and will more than likely never have any answers...I can't make anyone understand my pain, my anger, my loss, my doubt, my self blame, all I can do is focus on me and our baby girl. I have tried helping a few people with their feelings, and I just can't emotionally do it any more.... It's not just one person, but a couple. I have been told time & time again how strong I am, yeah right! They have no clue how I break down ( hell even as I'm sitting here typing this), how you were spiraling out of control. How well you hid your depression from all of us. They have no idea what it is like to be blamed for some one's suicide (let alone your own husband's), all the rumors, all the self doubt, fear... That is what you left behind for me to deal with... I am doing my best to pick up the pieces that you have left behind for me to clean up. See the anger coming out!!!! I do not want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand simply where I am coming from.... That this is my reality, that I am trying,and I'll figure out how to come to peace with your suicide, and truly forgive those that need to be forgiven. This is a hell, I wish I didn't have to be in.
~Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Today was a good day. I got to see Rane Stone & JT at Trisha & Eric's b-day bash, simply amazing performance.... I know you would have liked them! Rane has a few songs, that touch my heart so deeply, tonight it was a song, I never heard, it was called Heroes... All I could do was think of you. I thank God for my girl Jamie, as I sat on her lap & just cried it out... I miss you so very much. I go through this life, day by day, literally minute by minute & get so fucking angry that you chose to end your life. God I try so very hard to understand. WHY!!! FUCKING WHY??? You may not have believed it,but damn it I loved you, I will always love you forever and always.The funk came & went, and I am dealing with the cards I was given, it doesn't mean I understand or ever will... Your daughter & I miss you, wish so desperately you were here... You were my hero.....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Another restless night, so I thought maybe writing you would help. A lot going on, a bit stressed.... But it's not anything I cant get through. This week is sooooooo busy! Watching my friend's son tomorrow, & than hopefully hang out with my girl Charisse. Friday my friend Denise is coming over, and the day I have been looking forward to the most is Saturday! It's Trisha & Eric's b-day party that night, & they hired my favorite local musician Rane Stone & JT. I think you would have liked their music, they are amazing! Also Saturday is the national suicide prevention day! They have had national suicide prevention week (from 9/4 - 9/10) & on the 10Th we light a candle by the window at 8 PM, for those that we have lost to suicide. I asked Trisha if I could light a candle, & she said yes ( don't want all the attention on me). And babe her & Eric are letting me & Steven host a b-day party at their house! It will be EPIC! There will be a bonfire, and lots of fun! I know how much you loved going over there. Damn we all miss you so very much!!! Jess is taking me to go see Howie day in concert on 9/22... How I need that, to not sit & mop around all day. The triggers are all over the place this month. I don't remember it being this bad, when Jesse died. Hell when Jesse died, people never talked about suicide, like they do now. Amazes me how much has changed in nine years. Kennedy starts preschool on September 12Th. I am excited for her, it will be the afternoon classes. which means they are preparing her for kindergarten ( what a scary thought ). I can't believe our baby will be 5 in only a couple of months. My God, where does the time go? I love and miss you so very much....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... It is two in the morning, and I am so tired, but cant sleep. My head is just not in a good place the last couple of nights. If one more person tells me how strong I am , I swear I am going to punch them in the face! I put on such a good front, acting like everything is okay, but in reality I miss you so very much. People say the first year is the hardest, others say the second year. I just want off this roller coaster please. I NEVER asked to be on it. I also have to realize I can not use your suicide to push people away, or use it as an excuse, it's not fair to the people that have been there for me. I am feeling BITTER, and I do not want to be BITTER, I NEED TO BE BETTER!!! When the HELL does that happen? The other day I asked Kennedy if it made her mad to see other daddies with their kids, and she looked at me & said yes! I know you were in a dark place, but WHY, couldn't you think about her for just one second??? I know that is not the way it works, but DAMN IT I AM MAD!!! I wish with all my heart that you were here, to play with our daughter, to enjoy what beauty there is in life. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done you, & I wish I could go back in time & change things, but would the outcome be any different, I wonder.I am sorry I failed you as a wife, that I didn't pick up on the pieces, that you felt like you couldn't come & talk to me... I love and miss you so very much...
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang