Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... It is two in the morning, and I am so tired, but cant sleep. My head is just not in a good place the last couple of nights. If one more person tells me how strong I am , I swear I am going to punch them in the face! I put on such a good front, acting like everything is okay, but in reality I miss you so very much. People say the first year is the hardest, others say the second year. I just want off this roller coaster please. I NEVER asked to be on it. I also have to realize I can not use your suicide to push people away, or use it as an excuse, it's not fair to the people that have been there for me. I am feeling BITTER, and I do not want to be BITTER, I NEED TO BE BETTER!!! When the HELL does that happen? The other day I asked Kennedy if it made her mad to see other daddies with their kids, and she looked at me & said yes! I know you were in a dark place, but WHY, couldn't you think about her for just one second??? I know that is not the way it works, but DAMN IT I AM MAD!!! I wish with all my heart that you were here, to play with our daughter, to enjoy what beauty there is in life. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done you, & I wish I could go back in time & change things, but would the outcome be any different, I wonder.I am sorry I failed you as a wife, that I didn't pick up on the pieces, that you felt like you couldn't come & talk to me... I love and miss you so very much...
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang