Dear Ricky,

HI baby, what an exhausting day! It is Halloween night. Kennedy, mom & I went to church, and than to Uncle Izzy and Antie Sherry's house for brunch. Kennedy was exhausted (she fell asleep in the car on the way to the store) - we are getting ready for her big b-day bash. I am excited, but sad at the same time ( I am not sure if that makes sense)...
On an other note it seems like I will be battling S.S. for widow's benefits.... It just seems never ending at times, but I know things will work out. At times I just want to scream at you, curse you out & bottom line HATE you!!!
It really seems so unfair to me, that I am now a widowed single mom. These are words I never imagined would be used to describe me, and those word sting a lot.
I love and miss you so much. I know Kennedy loves and misses you to - hell we all love and miss you!

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... I suppose today was a good day, a bit on the frustrating side (but none the less good). Kennedy's field trip was yesterday (at Maris Farms) she had so much fun! I did get teary eyed (while we were on the hay ride), I had wished so much that you could have been there physically! Yesterday while cleaning/organizing our room, I came a couple of cards that you gave me... They were filled with so much love, and I just wonder why if you loved me so much, and felt you could tell me anything, why you couldn't come to me NOW!!! I know you felt this time was the end of us, & maybe it would have been (no one knows the answer to that question now). I do know, no matter what I loved you, and I miss you a whole lot. Today a friend of mine told me I was strong, I told him (when this first happened) how it angered me, that people would say that, now I realize I am STRONG! I have my moments where I loose it (normally behind closed doors)and I know with time and patience, I will forgive you. I can't believe our baby girl will be 4, and how it breaks my heart you will not be here to celebrate it with us!She really does love you! We still have the memorial board I made up in the living room, & when Kennedy gets ready for bed, she puts whatever toys she is playing with over by the board (and I tell her the toys will be fine, because daddy is watching over them).I love and miss you baby.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Went to your mom & dad's house today, to get more stuff. I had an amazing talk with your mom, I know it helped me a little, & I hope it helped her. By the way your child is being a TERROR today! These are the days, I get really upset with you :( So we are doing Kennedy's b-day @ Chuck E Cheeses this year, I am excited (but a little sad, since this is her first b-day with out you). Oh my I did my HS "get together" that was fun. I went as Brett Michaels (not a good looking version of him, but I made Rock of love passes, & had fun with it anyways)!I wish you would have been there, I think you would have had fun. I can't believe Halloween is coming up so soon. Kennedy has a field trip on Wedensday at the pumpkin patch. I think she will have fun with that. I miss you so very much, I wouldn't say each day is getting easier, but some days are better than others. Church has been going good. I think I finally decided what I wanted to go to school for (it's just a matter of funding). I want to be a pyshical therapist. I love you very much, and a part of me feels broken & shattered... I am not quite sure I will ever get that back.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, today would have been your 28th birthday. It was not an easy day. I did my counseling session with Pastor Jason today, it was good to let it all out. He did recommend that I see a licenced grief counselor (which I plan on doing, and attending support groups soon). I had a nice dinner with your parents, Angie, Gina, Mia, & Kennedy (in honor of your birthday). We went to the Outback in Federal Way, the food was okay (still not a big fan of Outback)... I had every intention of visiting you at the cemetery today, but I had so much "business" to take care of, I was exhausted, so while I run my errands tomorrow, I will go & see you. I think I found a good church for me, I really like the people there, and I love that they do not preach at you! I think you would have liked it there. It's great because I get to see Jen, & Mike, Sherry & Izzy & Julie & Nick. So may people have written on your face book wall, wishing you a happy birthday - it warmed my heart. I know with time and patience that I will heal. I love and miss you with all my heart and soul.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was a hard day for me, I was just in a funk :( I can't believe tomorrow would have been your 28 th birthday! Ironically tomorrow is when I start my counseling. I miss you so very much, I find myself wanting to call you, and than I realize I can't! I find that I am jealous when I see a young Daddy with their daughter. I don't mean to be like that, it just breaks my heart that Kennedy is going to miss out on that! I love you more than you ever will know, and I just wish you would have believed that... I am going to go back to school, and I am starting to go back to church (which has been good so far). I am trying to live one day at a time, but I wonder how tomorrow will affect me, how the holidays will play out. Just curious, I guess... So many people keep telling me how strong I am, but I do not feel strong at all, a piece of me is broken, that I am not sure can ever be fixed. They say time heals all wounds, & I suppose they are right, it just doesn't feel that way. I love and miss you more than words could ever describe.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Why must today be a day form hell? I spent two hours at the social security office, & left feeling so angry at the damn system. I know Kennedy will receive benefits, but now I get left with nothing! I am so flipping angry (because it wasn't a legal separation, or even really a separation, but since your death certificate says married - but speatated)I am getting screwed over by S.S. & the VA! This has just really made me so up set over the last few weeks, & now it's like I have reached my boiling point! So upset & feel like I really have no one who understands my frustration about everything going on right now. I guess that is the way the ball bounces!!! I love you!
Love always & forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby.. Today has been the hardest, I can not believe you have been gone for three weeks now. They say time heals everything, I am just not sure this time. I know the pain will lessen, but never fully goes away. I have taken things way to personally, and have had my defenses up, which is not a good thing. I tend to take what people are saying, to another level, & twist it around. Maybe because I am still angry at you, and am taking it out on others. Kennedy has been such a "ham", I worry because she hasn't asked about you yet. I can't even take a shower without her freaking out (and we thought it was bad when we would pick her up from preschool). I am going to start counseling (ironically on your birthday).. Like I said I am not sure why I am feeling such anger, where it needs not be directed. I hope I am making you proud, I do my best to be strong for Kennedy, and I feel like I am breaking! As a three time survivor, you would think I would know how to get better. I get out of bed, I take care of the baby, and yet my heart is so broken and shattered. I have amazing family & friends that have stepped up to the plate. When I feel better, and have some money set aside (which seems like that will never happen), Kristy's doing a memorial tat of you for me. I picked the bull dog (specifically the one on one of your t-shirts) & the phrase "ooh raw devil dog". I miss you so very much, it still seems so unreal to me. I love & miss you so very much!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

So it seems that my feelings have created some DRAMA! That was not my intention with this blog, it has been a way to help me cope with my feelings... My guilt that I have, the anger that I feel, the sadness that overwhelms me at times. I can't believe it has been three weeks since you left this world, I am still waiting to wake up & realize that this just a bad nightmare. I will not stop writing my blog, this is not going to be sugar coated for anyone! I know parts of the truth, and realize there was a lot you did not tell me. I know you had a lot to drink that night (that has been stated by both of your parents), I know there were heated words between a friend of mine and you, and that ultimately her and I were the last ones to see you still alive. So all of that plays out in my mind, like a broken video, that replays over & over. I often wonder if I would have just went with you to get the damn toothbrush, if things may have played out differently. I wonder if my phone would not have been on silent, the outcome would have been different. I know with some help, that I will get through the guilt of that night. That in the end, you were sick... I honestly believe in my heart and soul had you been sober you would be here, and none of this ridiculousness would be going on right now!!!
I love you more than you will ever know devil dog!
Love always and forever your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today seems a little better. Still battling some issues, and of course the phony people, who seem to care for a second, & than I realize who it is & go that's why I never liked you to begin with! Forgot to tell you Kennedy stayed with your parents last weekend (I know they enjoy spending time with her, & I know she enjoys spending time with them).I am trying to get some things resolved, but it's like hitting my head on a brick wall, & all I want to do is scream! I wish you were here, there are times where I just need to hear your voice, & you tell me I will get through this! I feel like I am at my wits end with certain situations, I get over stressed, feel like I have to justify my feelings to people... Maybe I am being over sensitive, but damn some people have said some very RUDE things since you have past away. A friend of mine, explained to me his feelings about the after life, another friend explained to me their feelings about you, people have asked me if there were signs... JUST STUPID RIDICULOUS!!!! Maybe they are curious, but come on really??? I am relieved that this non sense has kinda came to a head, but my goodness that was pissing me off. Lots of things got under my skin & rubbed me the wrong way. Can you believe people actually had the balls to tell me, that they were worried that I would keep Kennedy away from your mom & dad? In one of my first letters to you, I was saying how people were only really identifying with your parents... I also had people tell me, well it's hard to loos a mate, but they lost their only son??? I mean come on now, WTF??? I was thinking to myself how insensitive of a person to just come right out & say that? I try to be careful of what I say, as to not offend anyone, but I realize this will not help me get better, and if anyone is offended by my letters to you, well than maybe they should not read them. While I am venting, some people think I am harsh for saying this is your fault, I do not believe you were in your right mind, I believe if you were sobber you would NEVER HAVE TAKEN YOUR OWN LIFE!!! THAT ALL YOU WANTED AND THOUGHT ABOUT WAS ENDING YOUR PAIN, THAT YOU COULDN'T HANDLE WHAT LIFE HAD GIVEN YOU! THAT YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. THAT YOU ULTIMATELY THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BEST! SO I WIL NOT APPOLIGIZE FOR BLAMING YOU, YOU AT THE END OF THE DAY MADE THAT DECISSION, NO ONE ELSE! IT BREAKS MY HEART, BECAUSE I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME & CHANGE THE EVENTS THAT UNFOLDED THAT NIGHT... ALL I KNOW IS YOU MUST HAD TO HAVE BEEN SICK FOR A VERY LONG TIME, AND NOW MAYBE YOU CAN FINALLY REST IN PEACE!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hey babe, it's been a couple of days since I wrote you last. Nick & Julie got married last night (it was a beautiful wedding). I bet you would be surprised to know I went to church today (that was int resting). I think I might go back. It was nice to be around Uncle Izzy, Auntie Sherry, Jen & Mike (even if only for an hr). Kennedy was amazing, she sat there the whole time, and was such a good girl. I might look into Sunday school for her. I sure do miss you, the anger part is still pretty bad, I am trying to get a grip on it, learn to forgive you. I know they say time will heal all wounds, but I wonder if I will ever get back to being "normal" ever again. I try to make jokes, but you know it just doesn't seem to make me happy. I am thinking about going to school (a good friend really encouraged me today), I know you would be proud of me, if I went back & made a better life for Kennedy & myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! It's not fair!!!!!!! This is me breaking down, feeling broken, wishing with my heart of hearts that things would have been different. I really did you love you, & my wish is that you can see my tears I am crying right now, and feel all this pain, and hurt I have in my heart & soul. That one day I know will lessen, but never go away. SO yes I blame you right now, I am mad, I can not forgive you, I do not believe you were in your right mind... Or you would not have left Kennedy like this!!!!!!!!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Things have been a roller coaster for me. I started work on Tuesday (and it wasn't bad), I work tonight (which is a nice escape from things). I can't believe Nick & Julie are tying the knot on Saturday, nice to celebrate something happy. I met up with Wendy yesterday, and had a much needed heart to heart conversation. I just received a notice that your corneas went to someone who needed them, it brought a few tears to my eyes, but warmed my heart that you can help someone see again. I have been angry, upset with some of the pettiest, smallest things and I know that time will lessen the pain, but never go away. The sense of guilt that I have is so overwhelming at times. In my heart I know there is nothing any of us could have done, I just wish you would have known how many people loved and cared about you. How many people still write on your face book wall, you had so many amazing family & friends. I love and miss you more every day. Till we meet again.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It was my first day back to work today, and it went good. A lot of my customers asking me where I have been... The amount of love I have recieved form my "regulars" has been awesome. Oh today I about lost my freaking ever loving mind. I had let your sister borrow your car until Saturday, so it has been parked in the same spot since than. One of mom's negihbor's was bitching about it beeing there, and not having moved (they are coming to get your car today)! What pisses me off is there was a truck (you remember that piece of shit truck) that didn't move for over a month, and nothing was ever said to them about it!!! If I knew how to drive your car I would have moved it, but damn people are so rude. Sorry about the rant babe! I love and miss you.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Last night I had a dream about you. It warmed my heart, I know you are in a better place, and Mikey is showing you the ropes! So today was a bit of a downer. The VA will not help me with funeral costs, and as for survior bennefits, I have to wait & see what S.S. is going to give me & the baby! I was frustrated, I felt like hitting my head on a wall. I thought the process was going to be easier than this, but hey what's life without a few curve balls? So now I just sit back and play the waiting game (and you know me I am not a patient person). I am worried about some of our friends, I know you are watching over them. Oh hey on a postive note, I finished the credit counseling (God what a nightmare that was)!!! So I am so close to be doing done with the bankruptcy! I love and miss you so much. See you in my dreams my sweet Marine.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It seems like a never ending busy week. I am going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off tomorrow (so super busy)! I am going back to work on Tuesday (kinda nervous about it).I know my customers, and co-workers will be awesome, but I am so worried about Kennedy. Remember when we would take her to preschool and she would freak out when I put her in the car seat. She's not quite that bad now, but she is havong seperation issues again. I couldn't even take a shower without her freaking out, so I caved in and let her come in the bathrooom with me. Toniught I asked her to tell you good night. It was sweet, to hear tell you good night. She loves her daddy (and I know she doesn't understand what happened)....
When I ask her abou tyou, she tells me you are in heaven, which is sweet, but sad at the same time. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always and forever you wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hey baby.. Oh my goodness last night was crazy!!! It was a lot of fun. I know you were there in spirit with us. Trisha and Eric were so amazing doing the bonfire for you (as a celebration of life). It touched my heart that Aaron & Kelly drove out all the way from Yakima, when I saw her I started crying. Hell we even "bullied" Abe into showing up last night, not sure what happened to Ang & Joe. I hope her dad is okay, and she's feeling good (I know she wasn't feeling good on Friday).Kennedy had so much fun last night. It was a great get togther. I love you baby.
Love always and forever your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Today was a hard day for many of us. We all loved you so much. Without the support of Ed, I would have not been able to read your letter. I am now bugging Ed, and his family for Indian fried bread :) Kevin was able to make it out, and I am glad he did. My heart broke for Evan today, when he got up to talk, I went to him and held his hand. Poor Michael had a hard time to (that one just about killed me emotionally). I don't think you realized how much he looked up to you. Even Steven's words hit me like a ton of bricks. Mike P. spoke, your dad, Ed, Ed's mom (for the life of me I can not remember her name). Kevin shared stories as well. I hope you can find the peace you deserve, and know that I will see you one day. I love and miss you with all my heart. Oh before I forget (the marine that accompined to my seat at your burial - (I couldn't help myself) I looked at him and said Ooh Raw Devil Dog - he was sweet enough to say Ooh raw back to me). I know you hated when I did it, but man I loved saying it. When things settle down, Kristy's going to desing a bull dog for me, with the phrase Ooh Raw Devil Dog. It will go on my right arm. Not goodbye, but I will see you later. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love always and forever you wife,
Ang