Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. As I write this letter to you, I wonder where does the time go? I can't believe tomorrow is new year's eve. A few people, want me to do stuff with them, and I am not sure I really want to do much of anything ( guess I'll play it by ear ). I am however excited about going to NY in June for the walk through the darkness. I'm excited to see how much money we will raise at our silent auction. Yesterday was Bonnie's funeral ( it was a beautiful service ). My heart breaks for Trisha & Alina ( to lose their mom in such a violent way, & before Christmas ). I ask that you watch over my girls ( I know with Bonnie, you & Terri in Heaven, they have the best guardian angels watching over them ). I hope I am making you proud, & I hope with all my heart that I have reached someone, who has thought suicide is the way, to change their mind. Since your death, I have seen more media coverage about suicide. Which has always been a taboo subject, so to me this is amazing. I love you so very much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, today was a good day. Since your death, I have met so many more survivors of suicide loss. My friend Michael ( he was the DJ at our wedding) was kind enough to donate his time to DJ my silent auction benefit to help raise funds for the walk in NY ( donations for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention - Wallk Through The Darkness Overnight). I am getting a bit annoyed ( the damn place has Wendy by herself - when she's on my team, I know it will work out, but you know me Patience is not my strong point). Tomorrow is Bonnie's funeral, I am still shocked she is gone. This year has been filled with so much pain and sadness, I hope 2011 will get better! You want to hear a funny story. Kennedy apparently wanted something, that was put away, and was bugging Michael for it. She comes in my room, crying, saying he is mean, he's an ass hole. I looked at her, and asked if she just said ass hole, and she said uh hu! I tried so hard not to laugh ( it was kinda cute). Not a day goes by, that I do not think about you, and miss you, wishing you were here to experience all the craziness that is my life. I love and miss you. Love always n forever your wife, Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was my melt down. I went & got myself a coffee, and as I was headed back home, I saw a car that looked like yours ( while listening to the first cut is the deepest ). It made me cry. While I am trying to learn to live again, I miss you so very much. I don't know why certain people have came back in my life, but they have. I have always believed everything happens for a reason, and it may take a while to figure it out, maybe never... Gosh I am just rattling on & on... I didn't think today would be hard, but it is. It feels like I have to learn to live again, and while I am trying, I find I am much more guarded than ever before. I am "lost" and confused about a lot of things right now. Maybe I am over thinking things ( like I always do ) but it seems by over thinking things, it takes away the pain of loosing you. No matter what, you were the one I loved, and it still seems unreal to me that you are gone. I am not sure where things will end up, but I know there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I wish with all my heart that things were different, and you were still here. People ask me what do you want for Christmas... And I know it sounds silly, but I wish with everything I have that you were still here. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today is not a good day, today I found out Bonnie was murdered! My heart breaks for Alina & Trisha. It feels like a bad nightmare ( and this comes one day shy of the 3 month anniversary of your death). I pray that they find who did this to Bonnie, and that her family will be able to heal. I pray that Alina finds my phone number & calls me to let me know she is safe. I had tried finding Bonnie - so I could tell her & Alina about your suicide... Now it seems to me that you two have a lot of catching up there in heaven to do. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was a good, but long day. Why do I feel I have to justify myself to some people??? I do my best, and sometimes it feels like it is never enough. Some one actually had the nerve to compare their divorce to a death today!!!! I understand they were trying to make a point, but really that was just complete nonsense to me! It would have been like me saying to a Friend - hey I know how you feel when their husband was deployed ( yet you were always "home" ). Okay I honestly think I did say something like that, but now I realize that while my intentions were good - that was a ridiculous thing for me to say!!! I hope my friend realizes I never meant to imply I know how she felt. It is frustrating this time of year, to try & make sure Kennedy gets to spend time with your family & mine ( as it has been, since we moved back home ). I am so tired of feeling like my best is not good enough for those who are not really apart of the situation. To live with your suicide has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my lifetime! I still find myself asking why, blaming myself, answering to people who act like a friend to my face, and blame me for your suicide behind my back... I do my best not to take out my anger on others, but I know that I have... I find that I am lost, and I know I will find my way! I just miss you and wish you were, so you could deal with this mess!!! God I am so ANGRY WITH YOU!!!! I feel that I have to justify my feelings to people who were apart of your life, that just weren't around ( and no I am not saying that your death is any one's fault), I just find it odd that people have came out of the blue to ask me point blank if I blame you!!! WTF kind of question is that? It is no one's fault, and as I am learning more about suicide prevention - I realize that there was something off, that you were not in your right mind. I will NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I THINK OR FEEL TO ANY ONE ( NOT YOUR "FRIENDS" OR YOUR FAMILY)! I am wondering if I should post this blog tonight or not, as I am sure I will catch some type of hell over it. But these are my feelings, and I know the aftermath that will come of this. I think what really hurts the most is some of the things that have been said to me after you past away, and yes while they are only words, it was worst thing ever!!!! I think some people want to "protect" you & your memory, and I understand that, I get it, but I will not allow people to bully me into thinking that their way is the right way of thinking. I really understand that this person tonight was trying to her in mind stick up for your parents, but you know what there comes a point, where I wonder who will stick up for me. I am not trying to make people feel bad for me, but maybe make them understand I have feelings to! I realize your death isn't just my loss, but your daughter's, your parents, your other family members, my family & all of our friends as well. In a nutshell I do not see how it is right or fair for people to say " to loose a mate is hard, but to loose a child is worse". I do not understand why people have said to me it is not my fault to my face, than behind my back blame me for your suicide. I do not understand how a person can say I am free, you are dead.... These are some of the words that have broken my heart, and I am not sure how to make the pain of those words hurt less. Maybe I am taking everything way out of proportion,I know when it gets close to the twenty second of the month - I fall apart. They say time heals all wounds, but how do you ever recover from loosing the person you loved with all of your heart and soul? This has weighed on my mind a lot lately! I know I will never know why you chose to end your life... I just wish people understood my side of things a little more, and instead of jumping all over me, they take a minute to think about what they say... In some situations I have been made to feel like I do not do enough for your parents to see Kennedy ( in a lot of cases where a spouse dies of suicide - the surviving parent will not let that child near their that person's family). So I think I have done an okay job with all that has been said and done on every one's part allowing Kennedy time with your parents. I just wish everyone would quit telling me that I am not doing enough :( I love and miss you so much, till we meet again... Love always n forever your wife, Ang

Dear Ricky

Hi baby. It has been a rough 48 hours! Grandma is in the hospital, she was not able to walk. She has been in the hospital since Sunday. From what I understand when she is released from the hospital, they want to put her in a rehabilitation home ( to help her get her strength back. I am going to visit her after I am off work today. My dad has another surgery tomorrow, it seems like when it rains it pours. I am missing you so very much right now! It's not fair that we don't have Christmas this year with you. Friends want to hang out on new years eve & for the first time, I am not feeling like doing much of anything, but crawling in bed & crying. How much more can one person be expected to take? Kennedy has her assessment for bridges on Wednesday ( it is a support group for children ages 4 - 18 years old who have lost a parent ). I hope this will help her get through the pain of loosing you. It seems so unreal to me still that you are gone, I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to say I've been punked. It's a bad joke, that you are okay and you never left us at all! Why do I still feel this way almost three months later? Why have I chose to let certian things bother me so much, I know it will not bring you back. I love and miss you so very much - I am doing the best I can do, and sometimes that feels like it is not enough!
love always n forver you wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I am really missing you today. I am getting geared up to start training for the 18 mile walk in NY. I can't believe Christmas is only 21 days away. I have Kennedy all done. I am getting anxious to give her presents now! I am also getting anxious to get my website for the Walk trough the darkness, and get that going very soon. I miss you so much! I found some new friends ( I think I will start going to their support group). while your death left so much sadness in my heart, I know there is a silver lining there somewhere, I just have to open my eyes & my heart to find it. I think of you everyday, wishing you were here. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby! Today was an emotionally BAD DAY FOR ME! I am not sure if it was lack of sleep, or what my problem is today! So I am upset with your mom today ( and as you know that rarely happens )! I try to make sure Kennedy gets time with your parents, yet when I call them, they do not return my calls, or they wait till the last minute to try to plan something with her. There has been some terrible things said on all three of our parts, and with all the things that your father has said to me, I still allow Kennedy to spend time with your parents. What they fail to realize is those words still hurt like hell, and I am trying to be the better person. But I am feeling attacked yet again, and refuse to keep doing this with them, when they feel the need to Have an emotional punching bag. At the end of the day, it ANGERS ME, HURTS ME, MAKES ME SAD AND DISAPPOINTS ME! I begin to think and feel that maybe I should hold off on all visits, until I am not feeling bullied into - when you think about it ). I know if you were alive, you would be disappointed at the situation this has created. Your parents are suppose to have Kennedy Tuesday night, and now I am wondering if I should allow her to go over there or not. I don't want to take that away from Kennedy, but at the same time, I will not feel bad, because I have plans for MY DAUGHTER! SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE, SOONER OR LATTER AND BABY I'M GIVING! TODAY WAS MY BREAKING POINT AND THAT BREAKS, MY ALREADY BROKEN HEART!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, today is Thanksgiving. It seems so odd to me that you are not here this year. I miss you so very much! I am thankful for a lot this year. I have amazing family & friends, that I am not sure what I would do without! You know Thanksgiving, has never been that easy for me! Time sure flies by, doesn't even seem like it should be Thanksgiving ( where did our summer go )??? This year, we are cooking at Grandma & Grandpa's house (since it's hard for Grandma to get around). Your sister is cooking at her house this year ( Kennedy & I were invited to go over there, but the roads are to bad, to drive that far, plus with my Grandma - I want to make sure I spend time with her ). I hope you are having a wonderful time up there, visiting with your family & friends, enjoying a good old fashion feast! I know you are with some amazing people, that on earth, you never got to meet, but they meant the world to me. I love and miss you so very much baby!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So today is the two month anniversary of your death. On Saturday I went to a conference for survivors of suicide loss. It was so inspirational to hear other survivors stories, to UNDERSTAND I AM NOT ALONE, was an amazing feeling. God how I miss you. I am going through pics/videos (it's nice I have a few videos), so I can still hear your voice. I am planning on doing the overnight Walk Out Of The Darkness (for prevention & awareness of suicide). It's in New York,on June 4, & 5Th 2011. It felt like a sign, that I have to go & do this (since that would have been our 6Th wedding anniversary). Wendy said she would go with me to New York, and it's such an amazing cause! I love and miss you so very much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi. Today was a on the emotional side today. I went to see you. You know if anyone would ever told me, I would have gotten married, and have a baby, I would have told them they were CRAZY! I never dreamed in a million years, that I would become a widowed single mom. The word widow seems so foreign to me. If anyone would have told me you would have taken your own life I would have never believed them! You had a beautiful heart, and you loved life. How crazy things get, in just the blink of an eye. Some people may think it is easy to deal with your death, since I have lost others to suicide before. No it's not easy, I just know what feelings are coming up. I think the crazy part about all of this, has been I HAVE NEVER ONCE BLAMED ANYONE, I THINK A PART OF ME WANTED TO, BUT I KNOW IT IS NO ONE'S FAULT! WHILE SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT I BLAME YOU, I ASK THEM WHO I AM SUPPOSE TO BLAME??? I understand for some they need to do whatever it takes to get over their grief. I still get angry with you, I still question why, I still have the what if's in the back of my mind, I still wish with all of my heart that things would have been different. So at the end of the day - I'm SURVIVING!!!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today is Kennedy's fourth birthday! My mom and I took her to dinner at Apple bees. Of course all she wanted was mac n cheese. I brought cupcakes in to preschool for her class. She was treated like a princess. They gave her a special crown,sang happy birthday to her, and let her pick a special toy to bring home. You know a part of me is still angry with you, about leaving this world. AND YES I KNOW, I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER AS TO WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID! IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT IN ONE MOMENT YOU TOOK YOUR LIFE, AND LEFT BEHIND OUR BABY GIRL! I AM BROKEN, AND MAYBE TIME WILL FIX IT, BUT I AM NOT SO SURE.I PRAY THAT I CAN FORGIVE YOU, FORGIVE MYSELF AND BE OKAY! The other night at work, someone saw me cry, and he came up to me the next day. He said to me, I was shell shocked - because I haven't seen you cry. I was wondering if you were a woman. His words didn't anger me, but made me laugh. I told him, when I'm at work I focus on what needs to be done, and do my job 100%. I told him I try to really not cry in front of anyone (especially Kennedy) - I don't want people to worry about me, to see me broken. I don't tell anyone how broken and shattered I feel. I try to joke, but inside my heart is empty. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. What a crazy few days it has been! I can't believe our baby girl will be four on Monday! Where does the time go? I really want to go back to school, but I don't think I can get your unused GI bill, so I will have to look into grants/scholarships. Some mornings I wake up, and just cry. I miss you so very much. I started a group on Face book entitled I am a survivor of suicide. I want to raise awareness about suicide. Remember how I told you about the woman Maria, whose brother committed suicide a few months ago? She has been on my mind a lot lately. At church I asked Pastor Jason to pray with me for her. I miss you so very much, and I know you may not be here with me physically, but you are here with me in spirit. I love you so very much (and not day goes by, that I do not think about you) and how I wish things would have turned out differently! I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I think I am finding my way baby!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi babe. Today we had Kennedy's b-day party, and man did that kid get spoiled ROTTEN!
A lot of people came, and it was fun. Even though I know you were here in spirit, it wasn't the same with out you. Your mom wasn't feeling good, so your parents couldn't make it out, and I guess your sister wasn't feeling to good either, so her and Gina didn't make it out. Kristy made Kennedy's cake, it was so stinking cute! She did a 3-D Sponge Bob cake! I miss you baby, and it's times like today, that are bitter sweet. I wish you would have known/believed that you were loved so much....
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I am having a good day today. I talked to a woman yesterday before I started my shift, and she had asked me if I was the one who lost my husband. I replied yes, she than explained to me that her brother committed suicide three months ago. I wanted to cry for her, and just hug her for hours. I feel bad for her, because she has no real support system. Her own mother thinks the brother died of a heart attack (broke my heart, when she told me her story). She said her husband, doesn't understand why she still cries (three months later).... I explained to her that I have been through this three times in my life (the first was my cousin (I didn't know him (so I had no sense of guilt, or any of the questions, than my best friend Jesse (wow - it took me a long time, and some professional help to get over that, than you... and unlike Jesse, I know a part of me is broken, damaged, but there is a light inside of me that makes me get up every morning, and take care of our beautiful little girl). I hope she will go to support groups, and get some help, a suicide, I explained is one of the hardest things to get over (you never fully understand as to why)... I love and miss you more than words can say.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

HI baby, what an exhausting day! It is Halloween night. Kennedy, mom & I went to church, and than to Uncle Izzy and Antie Sherry's house for brunch. Kennedy was exhausted (she fell asleep in the car on the way to the store) - we are getting ready for her big b-day bash. I am excited, but sad at the same time ( I am not sure if that makes sense)...
On an other note it seems like I will be battling S.S. for widow's benefits.... It just seems never ending at times, but I know things will work out. At times I just want to scream at you, curse you out & bottom line HATE you!!!
It really seems so unfair to me, that I am now a widowed single mom. These are words I never imagined would be used to describe me, and those word sting a lot.
I love and miss you so much. I know Kennedy loves and misses you to - hell we all love and miss you!

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... I suppose today was a good day, a bit on the frustrating side (but none the less good). Kennedy's field trip was yesterday (at Maris Farms) she had so much fun! I did get teary eyed (while we were on the hay ride), I had wished so much that you could have been there physically! Yesterday while cleaning/organizing our room, I came a couple of cards that you gave me... They were filled with so much love, and I just wonder why if you loved me so much, and felt you could tell me anything, why you couldn't come to me NOW!!! I know you felt this time was the end of us, & maybe it would have been (no one knows the answer to that question now). I do know, no matter what I loved you, and I miss you a whole lot. Today a friend of mine told me I was strong, I told him (when this first happened) how it angered me, that people would say that, now I realize I am STRONG! I have my moments where I loose it (normally behind closed doors)and I know with time and patience, I will forgive you. I can't believe our baby girl will be 4, and how it breaks my heart you will not be here to celebrate it with us!She really does love you! We still have the memorial board I made up in the living room, & when Kennedy gets ready for bed, she puts whatever toys she is playing with over by the board (and I tell her the toys will be fine, because daddy is watching over them).I love and miss you baby.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Went to your mom & dad's house today, to get more stuff. I had an amazing talk with your mom, I know it helped me a little, & I hope it helped her. By the way your child is being a TERROR today! These are the days, I get really upset with you :( So we are doing Kennedy's b-day @ Chuck E Cheeses this year, I am excited (but a little sad, since this is her first b-day with out you). Oh my I did my HS "get together" that was fun. I went as Brett Michaels (not a good looking version of him, but I made Rock of love passes, & had fun with it anyways)!I wish you would have been there, I think you would have had fun. I can't believe Halloween is coming up so soon. Kennedy has a field trip on Wedensday at the pumpkin patch. I think she will have fun with that. I miss you so very much, I wouldn't say each day is getting easier, but some days are better than others. Church has been going good. I think I finally decided what I wanted to go to school for (it's just a matter of funding). I want to be a pyshical therapist. I love you very much, and a part of me feels broken & shattered... I am not quite sure I will ever get that back.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, today would have been your 28th birthday. It was not an easy day. I did my counseling session with Pastor Jason today, it was good to let it all out. He did recommend that I see a licenced grief counselor (which I plan on doing, and attending support groups soon). I had a nice dinner with your parents, Angie, Gina, Mia, & Kennedy (in honor of your birthday). We went to the Outback in Federal Way, the food was okay (still not a big fan of Outback)... I had every intention of visiting you at the cemetery today, but I had so much "business" to take care of, I was exhausted, so while I run my errands tomorrow, I will go & see you. I think I found a good church for me, I really like the people there, and I love that they do not preach at you! I think you would have liked it there. It's great because I get to see Jen, & Mike, Sherry & Izzy & Julie & Nick. So may people have written on your face book wall, wishing you a happy birthday - it warmed my heart. I know with time and patience that I will heal. I love and miss you with all my heart and soul.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was a hard day for me, I was just in a funk :( I can't believe tomorrow would have been your 28 th birthday! Ironically tomorrow is when I start my counseling. I miss you so very much, I find myself wanting to call you, and than I realize I can't! I find that I am jealous when I see a young Daddy with their daughter. I don't mean to be like that, it just breaks my heart that Kennedy is going to miss out on that! I love you more than you ever will know, and I just wish you would have believed that... I am going to go back to school, and I am starting to go back to church (which has been good so far). I am trying to live one day at a time, but I wonder how tomorrow will affect me, how the holidays will play out. Just curious, I guess... So many people keep telling me how strong I am, but I do not feel strong at all, a piece of me is broken, that I am not sure can ever be fixed. They say time heals all wounds, & I suppose they are right, it just doesn't feel that way. I love and miss you more than words could ever describe.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Why must today be a day form hell? I spent two hours at the social security office, & left feeling so angry at the damn system. I know Kennedy will receive benefits, but now I get left with nothing! I am so flipping angry (because it wasn't a legal separation, or even really a separation, but since your death certificate says married - but speatated)I am getting screwed over by S.S. & the VA! This has just really made me so up set over the last few weeks, & now it's like I have reached my boiling point! So upset & feel like I really have no one who understands my frustration about everything going on right now. I guess that is the way the ball bounces!!! I love you!
Love always & forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby.. Today has been the hardest, I can not believe you have been gone for three weeks now. They say time heals everything, I am just not sure this time. I know the pain will lessen, but never fully goes away. I have taken things way to personally, and have had my defenses up, which is not a good thing. I tend to take what people are saying, to another level, & twist it around. Maybe because I am still angry at you, and am taking it out on others. Kennedy has been such a "ham", I worry because she hasn't asked about you yet. I can't even take a shower without her freaking out (and we thought it was bad when we would pick her up from preschool). I am going to start counseling (ironically on your birthday).. Like I said I am not sure why I am feeling such anger, where it needs not be directed. I hope I am making you proud, I do my best to be strong for Kennedy, and I feel like I am breaking! As a three time survivor, you would think I would know how to get better. I get out of bed, I take care of the baby, and yet my heart is so broken and shattered. I have amazing family & friends that have stepped up to the plate. When I feel better, and have some money set aside (which seems like that will never happen), Kristy's doing a memorial tat of you for me. I picked the bull dog (specifically the one on one of your t-shirts) & the phrase "ooh raw devil dog". I miss you so very much, it still seems so unreal to me. I love & miss you so very much!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

So it seems that my feelings have created some DRAMA! That was not my intention with this blog, it has been a way to help me cope with my feelings... My guilt that I have, the anger that I feel, the sadness that overwhelms me at times. I can't believe it has been three weeks since you left this world, I am still waiting to wake up & realize that this just a bad nightmare. I will not stop writing my blog, this is not going to be sugar coated for anyone! I know parts of the truth, and realize there was a lot you did not tell me. I know you had a lot to drink that night (that has been stated by both of your parents), I know there were heated words between a friend of mine and you, and that ultimately her and I were the last ones to see you still alive. So all of that plays out in my mind, like a broken video, that replays over & over. I often wonder if I would have just went with you to get the damn toothbrush, if things may have played out differently. I wonder if my phone would not have been on silent, the outcome would have been different. I know with some help, that I will get through the guilt of that night. That in the end, you were sick... I honestly believe in my heart and soul had you been sober you would be here, and none of this ridiculousness would be going on right now!!!
I love you more than you will ever know devil dog!
Love always and forever your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today seems a little better. Still battling some issues, and of course the phony people, who seem to care for a second, & than I realize who it is & go that's why I never liked you to begin with! Forgot to tell you Kennedy stayed with your parents last weekend (I know they enjoy spending time with her, & I know she enjoys spending time with them).I am trying to get some things resolved, but it's like hitting my head on a brick wall, & all I want to do is scream! I wish you were here, there are times where I just need to hear your voice, & you tell me I will get through this! I feel like I am at my wits end with certain situations, I get over stressed, feel like I have to justify my feelings to people... Maybe I am being over sensitive, but damn some people have said some very RUDE things since you have past away. A friend of mine, explained to me his feelings about the after life, another friend explained to me their feelings about you, people have asked me if there were signs... JUST STUPID RIDICULOUS!!!! Maybe they are curious, but come on really??? I am relieved that this non sense has kinda came to a head, but my goodness that was pissing me off. Lots of things got under my skin & rubbed me the wrong way. Can you believe people actually had the balls to tell me, that they were worried that I would keep Kennedy away from your mom & dad? In one of my first letters to you, I was saying how people were only really identifying with your parents... I also had people tell me, well it's hard to loos a mate, but they lost their only son??? I mean come on now, WTF??? I was thinking to myself how insensitive of a person to just come right out & say that? I try to be careful of what I say, as to not offend anyone, but I realize this will not help me get better, and if anyone is offended by my letters to you, well than maybe they should not read them. While I am venting, some people think I am harsh for saying this is your fault, I do not believe you were in your right mind, I believe if you were sobber you would NEVER HAVE TAKEN YOUR OWN LIFE!!! THAT ALL YOU WANTED AND THOUGHT ABOUT WAS ENDING YOUR PAIN, THAT YOU COULDN'T HANDLE WHAT LIFE HAD GIVEN YOU! THAT YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. THAT YOU ULTIMATELY THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BEST! SO I WIL NOT APPOLIGIZE FOR BLAMING YOU, YOU AT THE END OF THE DAY MADE THAT DECISSION, NO ONE ELSE! IT BREAKS MY HEART, BECAUSE I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME & CHANGE THE EVENTS THAT UNFOLDED THAT NIGHT... ALL I KNOW IS YOU MUST HAD TO HAVE BEEN SICK FOR A VERY LONG TIME, AND NOW MAYBE YOU CAN FINALLY REST IN PEACE!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hey babe, it's been a couple of days since I wrote you last. Nick & Julie got married last night (it was a beautiful wedding). I bet you would be surprised to know I went to church today (that was int resting). I think I might go back. It was nice to be around Uncle Izzy, Auntie Sherry, Jen & Mike (even if only for an hr). Kennedy was amazing, she sat there the whole time, and was such a good girl. I might look into Sunday school for her. I sure do miss you, the anger part is still pretty bad, I am trying to get a grip on it, learn to forgive you. I know they say time will heal all wounds, but I wonder if I will ever get back to being "normal" ever again. I try to make jokes, but you know it just doesn't seem to make me happy. I am thinking about going to school (a good friend really encouraged me today), I know you would be proud of me, if I went back & made a better life for Kennedy & myself. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! It's not fair!!!!!!! This is me breaking down, feeling broken, wishing with my heart of hearts that things would have been different. I really did you love you, & my wish is that you can see my tears I am crying right now, and feel all this pain, and hurt I have in my heart & soul. That one day I know will lessen, but never go away. SO yes I blame you right now, I am mad, I can not forgive you, I do not believe you were in your right mind... Or you would not have left Kennedy like this!!!!!!!!
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Things have been a roller coaster for me. I started work on Tuesday (and it wasn't bad), I work tonight (which is a nice escape from things). I can't believe Nick & Julie are tying the knot on Saturday, nice to celebrate something happy. I met up with Wendy yesterday, and had a much needed heart to heart conversation. I just received a notice that your corneas went to someone who needed them, it brought a few tears to my eyes, but warmed my heart that you can help someone see again. I have been angry, upset with some of the pettiest, smallest things and I know that time will lessen the pain, but never go away. The sense of guilt that I have is so overwhelming at times. In my heart I know there is nothing any of us could have done, I just wish you would have known how many people loved and cared about you. How many people still write on your face book wall, you had so many amazing family & friends. I love and miss you more every day. Till we meet again.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It was my first day back to work today, and it went good. A lot of my customers asking me where I have been... The amount of love I have recieved form my "regulars" has been awesome. Oh today I about lost my freaking ever loving mind. I had let your sister borrow your car until Saturday, so it has been parked in the same spot since than. One of mom's negihbor's was bitching about it beeing there, and not having moved (they are coming to get your car today)! What pisses me off is there was a truck (you remember that piece of shit truck) that didn't move for over a month, and nothing was ever said to them about it!!! If I knew how to drive your car I would have moved it, but damn people are so rude. Sorry about the rant babe! I love and miss you.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Last night I had a dream about you. It warmed my heart, I know you are in a better place, and Mikey is showing you the ropes! So today was a bit of a downer. The VA will not help me with funeral costs, and as for survior bennefits, I have to wait & see what S.S. is going to give me & the baby! I was frustrated, I felt like hitting my head on a wall. I thought the process was going to be easier than this, but hey what's life without a few curve balls? So now I just sit back and play the waiting game (and you know me I am not a patient person). I am worried about some of our friends, I know you are watching over them. Oh hey on a postive note, I finished the credit counseling (God what a nightmare that was)!!! So I am so close to be doing done with the bankruptcy! I love and miss you so much. See you in my dreams my sweet Marine.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It seems like a never ending busy week. I am going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off tomorrow (so super busy)! I am going back to work on Tuesday (kinda nervous about it).I know my customers, and co-workers will be awesome, but I am so worried about Kennedy. Remember when we would take her to preschool and she would freak out when I put her in the car seat. She's not quite that bad now, but she is havong seperation issues again. I couldn't even take a shower without her freaking out, so I caved in and let her come in the bathrooom with me. Toniught I asked her to tell you good night. It was sweet, to hear tell you good night. She loves her daddy (and I know she doesn't understand what happened)....
When I ask her abou tyou, she tells me you are in heaven, which is sweet, but sad at the same time. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always and forever you wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hey baby.. Oh my goodness last night was crazy!!! It was a lot of fun. I know you were there in spirit with us. Trisha and Eric were so amazing doing the bonfire for you (as a celebration of life). It touched my heart that Aaron & Kelly drove out all the way from Yakima, when I saw her I started crying. Hell we even "bullied" Abe into showing up last night, not sure what happened to Ang & Joe. I hope her dad is okay, and she's feeling good (I know she wasn't feeling good on Friday).Kennedy had so much fun last night. It was a great get togther. I love you baby.
Love always and forever your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Today was a hard day for many of us. We all loved you so much. Without the support of Ed, I would have not been able to read your letter. I am now bugging Ed, and his family for Indian fried bread :) Kevin was able to make it out, and I am glad he did. My heart broke for Evan today, when he got up to talk, I went to him and held his hand. Poor Michael had a hard time to (that one just about killed me emotionally). I don't think you realized how much he looked up to you. Even Steven's words hit me like a ton of bricks. Mike P. spoke, your dad, Ed, Ed's mom (for the life of me I can not remember her name). Kevin shared stories as well. I hope you can find the peace you deserve, and know that I will see you one day. I love and miss you with all my heart. Oh before I forget (the marine that accompined to my seat at your burial - (I couldn't help myself) I looked at him and said Ooh Raw Devil Dog - he was sweet enough to say Ooh raw back to me). I know you hated when I did it, but man I loved saying it. When things settle down, Kristy's going to desing a bull dog for me, with the phrase Ooh Raw Devil Dog. It will go on my right arm. Not goodbye, but I will see you later. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love always and forever you wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby.... I already took your flowers to the funeral home. Against my better judgement, I went to see you. Now that image is forever burnt in my brain. The last time I saw in your dress blues, was when we lived in Yuma (and unfortunately it was not for your Marine core ball). There is a lot of anger on my part, it seems that people only want to focus on you being a Daddy, son, and brother, no matter what our issues were, you were still my husband!!! So for those people who want to focus on your parents, I get it, but it doesn't mean I am not upset!!! So many people are grieving for you, I understand it's just not my loss, but a lot of peoples! I am hurt beyond words, and trying not to take things personally, but you of all people know my heart better than anyone ever did, and that is not the way I am processing all of this. I hope you can rest now, and know you were my heart and soul... I love you and miss you more than words could ever describe.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for all of us. There's been nasty mean rumors spread around, and they are painful, but I am strong. SO many people that loved you, that want to pay their respects to you. I talked to Kevin, & he is flying out on Friday to be here, that means a lot to me. I saw Daisy yesterday & told her what happened, she's going to be there to. Having a hard time trying to get pics of you for Holly to help with the slide show, trying to find the right words to write you a poem. You want to hear something funny??? The one person I couldn't stand more than anything in the world (I know you will know who I mean) has been supportive more than I ever thought she would (and no I didn't mean your one friend - who has now become a friend to me, & helped me get through this process). Been trying to bite my tongue on a few things, that anger me, but I don't want to be that person who gets walk all over. I hope you understand that. I love and miss you my sweet Marine - till we meet again, not goodbye, but I will see you later.
Love always and forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

So the past few days, I have had many downs... I have been trying to explain to Kennedy that you are not coming home, that you are in heaven with the angels. It is so hard, because she doesn't understand (which can be a blessing, but sometimes frustrating). I wanted to let you know that Kevin is coming down here on Friday, and I talked to Daisy today and she wants to be there to. So many people are just in shock right now... Oh Bruce is going to be there, he was so sweet, we talked for almost an hour this morning. I had wanted to get a hold of a few other people, but the numbers were old, and not good any more. I bet you are surprised that I have made friends with some people, you probably never imagined. Yeah it even took me by surprise! I have been trying to write a poem for you for friday's service, but I keep getting writers block... Not sure how I will survive Friday, but I know I have to. I love and miss you with all my heart and soul.
Love always and forever your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Today was extremly rough. I heard rummors that people are blaming me, while it hurts more than words can say... I suppose they need to blame someone, other than you, to make thier pain go away. While we had our issues, I loved you more than anything in the world, and I wish people would not act like they were my friend, if they feel that way. I wish I had answers as to why you did this. I have felt so alone durring this, while I know I have family & friends that are doing thier best to be there for me. I am angry, hurt, confussed. I know your parents lost thier only son, I can not begin to imagine thier pain... However my daughter lost her daddy, and I am left to explain this to her, no one else! So for those of you that follow this blog, and have something you would like to share with me, than please do it to my face instead of behind my back! I have felt guilty, like how could I not know that he would do that. That maybe I am to blame... I live with that everyday! So please think before you speak, I blame no one other than Ricky for the choice he ultimatley decided to make.
Love always n forever your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today has been a little easier. I had hard time sleeping this morning, I woke up around four in the morning, but was able to go back to sleep for a while. You came to me in a dream, it was odd, but beautiful... I miss you so much! I wanted to let you know I have been thinking about Kennedy's next b-day (the first one you will not be at), and I'm gonna make it extra special for her.Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, I feel they are wrong... They don't see me break down, and wishing you were here. That at some point I feel like I could have done so much more to be a better wife to you, that I ultimately let you down in the end.... While I know it wasn't any one's fault but your own, that in the end you made the final decision, it is a part of the grieving process for me. You left me, and I will never understand why you did it.... I'm sorry I let you down....
Love always and forever
your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

Hi sweetie. Today was a little on the off side. However I had a full house over here today, it was nice to have "family" here. You wouldn't believe how big Amanda, & Shy are getting. Jennifer has the cutest baby bump, she is due in January. I miss having a baby bump. I miss you so much... I talked to Kevin today, and he is going to do his best to fly out here, and come to your service on Friday. So many people love, and miss you. I don't think you ever knew that. I love and miss you.
Love always and forever
your wife,
Angela

Dear Ricky,

To my Marine,
Today has not been easy, and I do not think you would have been very proud of me. I miss you so very much. Kennedy sees your pictures, and ask me what happened. I tell you are in heaven with the angels. It is hard for me to tell her what happened to you, and I dread the day I have to sit down with her and explain what happened. I wish you would have talked to someone, tried to explain how you have been feeling. This has been so hard on everyone Ricky. I don't think you understood how much I loved you, that I would have done anything I could to change the events that happened.I love you Ricky.......
Love always and forever
your wife,
Angela