Dear Ricky,

On October 16th, I spoke at the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention Foundation's community walk in Bellingham.That was 3 days before your birthday. All those walks fell on or close to an important date. I did good, I didn't cry, not once, while I gave my speech. I had decided to take a on lie study, for PTSD... I was surprised at my score. I honestly figured it was just the grieving process. Now it makes sense...
The insomnia, the depression, the out bursts of anger, and the repalying of your suicide over & over & over in my mind. I thank God everyday, that I never found you, I am not sure just how strong I would be now.
I adopted the phrase "don't let the loss of your loved one define you. You define your loss." At times, I feel like such a hypocriate. When does this pain go away? Everyone sees the happy go lucky Ang, they do not see the Ang that can't sleep at night, the one who has to cry herslef to sleep some nights.
They don't kknow how I cringe, on father's day, how my heart just breaks a little every time I see a child with thier daddy...
This is my reality, you left this world, and I will probably never understand it, as much as I say I do.
My heart is so numb... I am angry, hurt, confused, and I feel so alone... I have amazing freinds & family.. But how many of them were blamed for your suicide? Sure they had self blame,but that is not the same thing.
I really wish this was just a nightmare....
~Ang~

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It's been quite a while, since I last wrote you. This year seems to have hit me a lot harder, than last year. I believe I was still so numb and in shock that you were gone. This is the second year of birthdays, you have missed, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New year's. Our baby is going to be five, I can't believe it, how the time flies!
I have been busy fundraising for the Overnight in San Francisco on June 9 -10, 2012. I just finished up with one silent auction, that raised $500 at Louie G's Pizzeria in Fife. It was such a blast. My favorite local band ( well hell, they are my favorite band period ) Klover Jane was there, which ROCKED! I think you would have liked them. Bean just loves them, and of course she loves the lead singer Rane Stone, and guitarist JT Phillips!
I am planning on more fundraising events, in which I hope I raise lots of money for the AFSP ( American Foundation For Suicide Prevention ). I honestly wish, I did not have to be apart of this club. To be called a survivor.... Hmmm, that is a term, I never really had been given. But the term, seems so fitting. For I have survived your suicide, the vicious rumors that were told. People that thought they knew you, our marriage and of course my own self guilt.
Finally a year later, I no longer blame myself, or even you. I know you were in a dark place, and maybe now you have peace. I miss you so very much, and I wish things were different and that you were still here, but I know you are watching over us. It is just not the same.
We love and miss you so very much, and I am just sorry that you didn't know how LOVED you were!

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... So many exciting things to tell you. I was asked to speak at the opening ceremonies for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention community walk in Bellingham on October 16Th. I am humbled, and honored. If anyone would ever have told me, how significant these walks were, I am not quite sure I would believe it. If anyone would have told me that I could do something so amazing with my grief, I am not sure I would believe it. To share my story with others, and offer them that hope, is such an amazing feeling.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you, or how much you have missed out on. I can't believe your birthday is just around the corner. Eric and Trisha have been so awesome, to let me host an epic birthday bash/bon fire in your memory. My favorite local musicians Rane Stone and JT Phillips will be playing. I think you would like them. Bean loves them to, she flirts with JT and it's so cute (she so doesn't get that from me at all)... Okay, okay, maybe she gets the flirting from me ;)
It seems unreal to me, that this is the second time in a year we are celebrating another birthday without you.... Where does the time go? When does my heart get back to normal? I guess this is the best way to sum it up, is like this.Time heals all open wounds, the scar that remains is to remind you of what you were strong enough
to overcome.
You are loved and missed so very much!
Love always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hello baby. Well it has now been a little over a year since you past away. Today kinda hit hard. I can't believe that we buried you a year ago tomorrow. I find it ironic, that tomorrow's American Foundation For Suicide Prevention community walk is tomorrow, the anniversary of the day we buried you. I know I will meet others, with similar stories like mine. It will be a day of healing, and raising awareness. Why can't I just get back to my NORMAL??? Will that ever happen, I wonder? The girl who was the life of the party, the girl who can find beauty in the smallest things, and just laugh until it hurts. The girl who doesn't fall apart when she hears a song that reminds her of the way it use to be. The girl, everyone thinks is so strong, but has fallen apart. The girl who loved with all of her heart, trying so desperately to find something to believe in again. I didn't expect this day to hit me like it has, just seems like a bad nightmare still. I want to SCREAM, I am so tired of the tears... So tired of not being me..... Love always n forever, Ang

Dear Ricky,

Well September twenty second came and went in a blink of an eye. The day went better, than I thought. I'm not gonna lie & say that September was not full of triggers... It still seems so unreal to me that you are gone, you are really gone. I am doing the best I can to just get back to me. I felt so lost for sooooo long. I have had to really reevaluate a lot of things in my life. This also includes the people, that I thought would always be there for me no matter what. I learned quickly who my true friends are. Kinda sad in a way, but it is what it is. So many changes going on, it is scary. And I wish you were here to just tell me it is all gonna work out. I still often wonder what if... I just want you to know you are missed & loved by so many.
Love always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

A year has come & went, in the blink of an eye. Still so hard to imagine this is my reality, that you are gone.You have missed out on so much, it is not fair. Kennedy growing up without her daddy = NOT FAIR!!! A year later, and I still wonder what the hell. A year later, I still wish you were here.
SUICIDE A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM! A year later, I am left to pick up the broken pieces you left behind....
Love you always n forever,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. It seems as though I am full of anger, and I know it is miss directed, and I know I need to work on it... A friend thinks it's because you are not here to yell at, little does she know, I do yell at, I curse you out!!I am not this bitter person, and I am trying so hard to make sense of everything, even after all this time.
Your suicide has took me on a roller coaster of emotions. When I think I am better, BOOM out of no where a trigger comes, and takes me on a downward spiral. Your suicide has made me question myself, every friendship I have, a feeling of complete & utter CRAZINESS!!! I know you had no idea how your suicide would affect any one, because if you did, you would still be here. You were in such a dark place, no one could reach you.
I still feel numb, so very numb... All of the things you have missed out in the last year, all the things you are going to miss out on! This SUCKS!!! I am not sure when I will ever get back to normal, or if I ever will.
I wonder so many different things, and will more than likely never have any answers...I can't make anyone understand my pain, my anger, my loss, my doubt, my self blame, all I can do is focus on me and our baby girl. I have tried helping a few people with their feelings, and I just can't emotionally do it any more.... It's not just one person, but a couple. I have been told time & time again how strong I am, yeah right! They have no clue how I break down ( hell even as I'm sitting here typing this), how you were spiraling out of control. How well you hid your depression from all of us. They have no idea what it is like to be blamed for some one's suicide (let alone your own husband's), all the rumors, all the self doubt, fear... That is what you left behind for me to deal with... I am doing my best to pick up the pieces that you have left behind for me to clean up. See the anger coming out!!!! I do not want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to understand simply where I am coming from.... That this is my reality, that I am trying,and I'll figure out how to come to peace with your suicide, and truly forgive those that need to be forgiven. This is a hell, I wish I didn't have to be in.
~Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Today was a good day. I got to see Rane Stone & JT at Trisha & Eric's b-day bash, simply amazing performance.... I know you would have liked them! Rane has a few songs, that touch my heart so deeply, tonight it was a song, I never heard, it was called Heroes... All I could do was think of you. I thank God for my girl Jamie, as I sat on her lap & just cried it out... I miss you so very much. I go through this life, day by day, literally minute by minute & get so fucking angry that you chose to end your life. God I try so very hard to understand. WHY!!! FUCKING WHY??? You may not have believed it,but damn it I loved you, I will always love you forever and always.The funk came & went, and I am dealing with the cards I was given, it doesn't mean I understand or ever will... Your daughter & I miss you, wish so desperately you were here... You were my hero.....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Another restless night, so I thought maybe writing you would help. A lot going on, a bit stressed.... But it's not anything I cant get through. This week is sooooooo busy! Watching my friend's son tomorrow, & than hopefully hang out with my girl Charisse. Friday my friend Denise is coming over, and the day I have been looking forward to the most is Saturday! It's Trisha & Eric's b-day party that night, & they hired my favorite local musician Rane Stone & JT. I think you would have liked their music, they are amazing! Also Saturday is the national suicide prevention day! They have had national suicide prevention week (from 9/4 - 9/10) & on the 10Th we light a candle by the window at 8 PM, for those that we have lost to suicide. I asked Trisha if I could light a candle, & she said yes ( don't want all the attention on me). And babe her & Eric are letting me & Steven host a b-day party at their house! It will be EPIC! There will be a bonfire, and lots of fun! I know how much you loved going over there. Damn we all miss you so very much!!! Jess is taking me to go see Howie day in concert on 9/22... How I need that, to not sit & mop around all day. The triggers are all over the place this month. I don't remember it being this bad, when Jesse died. Hell when Jesse died, people never talked about suicide, like they do now. Amazes me how much has changed in nine years. Kennedy starts preschool on September 12Th. I am excited for her, it will be the afternoon classes. which means they are preparing her for kindergarten ( what a scary thought ). I can't believe our baby will be 5 in only a couple of months. My God, where does the time go? I love and miss you so very much....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... It is two in the morning, and I am so tired, but cant sleep. My head is just not in a good place the last couple of nights. If one more person tells me how strong I am , I swear I am going to punch them in the face! I put on such a good front, acting like everything is okay, but in reality I miss you so very much. People say the first year is the hardest, others say the second year. I just want off this roller coaster please. I NEVER asked to be on it. I also have to realize I can not use your suicide to push people away, or use it as an excuse, it's not fair to the people that have been there for me. I am feeling BITTER, and I do not want to be BITTER, I NEED TO BE BETTER!!! When the HELL does that happen? The other day I asked Kennedy if it made her mad to see other daddies with their kids, and she looked at me & said yes! I know you were in a dark place, but WHY, couldn't you think about her for just one second??? I know that is not the way it works, but DAMN IT I AM MAD!!! I wish with all my heart that you were here, to play with our daughter, to enjoy what beauty there is in life. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done you, & I wish I could go back in time & change things, but would the outcome be any different, I wonder.I am sorry I failed you as a wife, that I didn't pick up on the pieces, that you felt like you couldn't come & talk to me... I love and miss you so very much...
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Eleven months ago my life was forever changed. It was like being in the worst impossible nightmare ever. 9/22/2010 wow what a fucking day! That was the day my dad woke me up & I was welcomed by a handful of cops, and a Chaplin... That was the day I was told you took a 9 MM to your head. That was the day I never thought would happen. I knew as your wife people, wanted to blame me, to make up their own sense of reality about you. I forgive those people who blamed me, they did not know any better. That depression, is an illness, and you hid it well from all of us. No one knows what our marriage was like, or how I feel still all these months later. I know that I will never have the answers, and NO I am not okay with it, I just accept it... I still however play the what if game, and I know I should not do that. It will drive me insane, literally. I try to joke around, but damn you!!! As much as I understand you were depressed, I just do not get it.... No I am not bitter, but I am not better either...
~Ang

Dear Ricky,

Good morning baby... I was just having a moment, not a bad moment, but remembering the good, & happy memories... I don't know why but one memory that popped in my head was when Kennedy would repeat what we were saying, & she would say Ricky & point to you. You would get so upset, because she learned your name, & was not calling you daddy... And I all I could do was laugh...
Than I was thinking of my best friend Jesse, and remembering some of the better, happier memories I shared with him. One of my favorite memories of Jesse was when my parents, Steven, myself, Jesse, his aunt Debbie & cousin Brian went to Florida. I was sitting next to Jesse on the airplane, & he was laughing at me, because I was scared when the plane was getting ready to take off ( still freaks me out to this day, and I think of Jesse & laugh at myself)....
I can't believe that it has almost been a year, since you left this world... I think I am at the point, where I am no longer trying to figure out why you left, still struggling with the what ifs.... I miss you so very much. Kennedy misses you to.
I know you are watching over us, but it really is not the same.... You would be so proud of how our baby is growing up. She is such a ham, she makes me laugh so much. Of all the things I have done wrong in my life, she is the best thing I have ever done.
I survived another birthday - damn I'm getting old 34 NOW!!! Wowzers!!! It was a bitter-sweet birthday. My first one without you, a loss occurred that same day. Angie's dad past away & my heart is sad for her & her family's loss. You would have liked her dad a lot.
You are my first thought of the day, my last thought of the night. I think of you everyday. Steven & I are gonna plan on doing a b-day party for you this year. Last year your parents, Angie, Gina, Mia, myself & Bean had a birthday dinner. It was nice, but you should have been there...
I suppose I should get going for now, Still trying to clean up around here. Hell at least my kitchen is done!!! I love & miss you so very much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi babe... Guess I am just really missing you right now, wishing you were here. I feel I have been so blessed, even though things are a little crazy, I know everything will work out how it is suppose to. So I am trying my very best not to stress, because really there is no point in it. There are just so many what ifs running through my head right now, questioning my own self & wondering & worrying how things will turn out.... I look at your suicide in so many different ways, trying to focus on the positive things in my life, rather than the negative, trying to find that "silver lining"... I am not quite sure how to word it, without people thinking I am glad you are gone, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. Talking about your suicide with others has helped me in my healing process, I have met other survivors, & friendships with some of strengthened, showing me who will be there for me & Bean no matter what. I often wonder when I will get my "normal" back, I don't think it happens, but with time it gets easier, & I get a little bit stronger. I need you to do something for me, I need you to watch over Ang, her dad past away last week, & I can not even begin to imagine how hurt her heart is right now. I love and miss you so very much. Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So I have decided what I want to go back to school for. I have decided I want to be a school counselor. I am hoping to work with elementary school kids. I am going to check out Highline Community college. My birthday came and went... I did fine all day long, than BOOM it hit me like a ton of bricks... Maybe it was all the other things, combined with missing you so very much, that simply overwhelmed me. Kennedy & I were given a kitty yesterday. He is just the sweetest little thing, & loves "Bean" so much. He spends a lot of time in her room, I even spied him sleeping on her bed. We got him from Charisse, and his name is Max. He reminds me a bit of Howler. I am so nervous about going back to school... So odd to me to go back, sixteen years later. Even though I have now figured out what I want to go back to school for, it's going to take a lot of discipline on my part ( something, I do not always exercise)... I however still want to write a book, and hope to have it published. Life is at times so hard without you here, but I try so very hard to just go with the flow, not just for me, but for Kennedy to. I know that there has to be something positive to come out of your suicide, not really sure what that is or how I'm doing it.. I think by telling my story, maybe, just maybe it helps someone out there. Kennedy goes back to preschool soon. She will be in the afternoon class, which prepares her for kindergarten. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dera Ricky,

Hi baby, been a while since I wrote you. The other day I went & saw you, I was gonna go to Alki, & think, but something changed my mind, & I just felt the need to visit you. We really have not had a great summer here, but it is what it is! I took Kennedy to see the Smurfs movie, she liked it a lot. Oh yeah they made a second cars movie to, it was really cute. They focused on Mater a lot, & you know Mater always reminded me of you in some funny way. Now they are making a third Alvin & the chipmunks movie to, it opens on Christmas, and of course Kennedy wants to see it. Been thinking about getting a cat. Kennedy's been bugging me about getting one. Jen says she has one, she wants to find a home for. He's three years old, and declawed, he just does not seem to get along with other animals good. So I am really thinking about it, I miss having a pet so bad. Love and miss you a lot.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. What an odd last couple of days.... It seems as though it was just yesterday you were here, and yet you have been gone ten in a half months now. Where does the time go? I know you were in such a dark place, that you felt like there was no HOPE left. I am so sorry you lost your hope. What I wouldn't do to have you here right now.
Kennedy wants to go see the Smurfs movie, I'm thinking about taking her today. Her and I both got our hair cut the other day. I'm sure you would have not liked it, and complained beans hair was to short (like you always did).
I have been at odds about a lot of things lately... And I'm not sure if, and when I will never be at odds about things... But I guess it is what it is.
Someone I cared for deeply, had hurt me so bad, to the point I was so done with them and their crap. Found out yesterday, that his dad past away. So I reached out as a friend.
I have been battling a cold the last couple of days, but I'm slowly getting better. Can you believe Alina had her baby girl. Journey weighed 9.9 oz, 21 inches long & came into this world at 2:26 AM on 7/28/2011. I have not met Journey yet, but seen the photos, and she is beautiful babe!
These are the moments where I wish you were here... To see this, to feel this, to experience life. How beautiful it really is...
Love you always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Today Kennedy & I were watching tv. A man was visiting his son's grave & Kennedy looks at me & says that's daddy's grave. DO YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM AT YOU RIGHT NOW??? Why wouldn't you just admit you needed help, & you could still be here? How is it fair that my little girl is left daddyless by your own choice? Yes I understand people that die by suicide are suffering from depression, & it is a mental illness. But it does not mean I do not have my days where I AM SO ANGRY, ALL I SEE IS RED!!! I am having a moment, right now, where I just simply do not understand... Where none of it makes any sense to me at all. Never will have any answers, not sure even if I did any of it would ever make any sense to me...
Love you always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... been a while, since I have written you. I just want you to know, no matter what is going on, that I think of you every day. We celebrated your sister's birthday on Sunday at your parent's house. It was a nice time, still felt odd not to have you there to barbecue, but the food turned out good. How is Buddy dog doing? I bet he's so loving the attention he's getting from you, not having to share it with Cole! You would be amazed how big our baby girl is getting. She is such a DIVA :) I have no clue, where she got it from. LOL! Okay - yeah she got it from me. I plan on taking her to the ocean soon, just me & her. She's been bugging me about it for a while now. I bought her a Sponge Bob Square Pants kite, that she is so ready to play with! We love and miss you so very much baby....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

today for the most part was a good day.... However I had some things come my way, that just made me shake my head and wonder what the fuck??? The last straw was something that angered me beyond words, I know it is this family member's nature to be out spoken, I just feel that she was out of line! I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be, maybe that is what made me most upset by her statement. Does she really think it is a joy for me to sit with her, when all she is negative? I get mad at you, at times like this, because you would just tell me that is how she is. It was beyond hurtful, & I know this family member is hurting, & her time with us may be soon over, but damn how much more can I take???? I want to scream, and all I want to do is yell at you and fucking punch you!!! I am so angry at you tonight!!!
But on a good note today ( technically yesterday ) was your sister's b-day. We had a BBQ at your parent's house, and it was nice. It was odd not to have you there, I mean I have been to your parent's house a bit since you died, but we have not had BBQS there, it didn't feel the same without you there....
I feel so all over the place, just wish you were here. Wish I didn't have to deal with all of this on my own! In a bad place, and I hate it....
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... So much has been going on the last couple of weeks, it seems a bit unreal to me. Kennedy & I had a great 4Th of July, we hung out with Charisse & her girls, and some more friends. It was a lot of fun, you would have liked it. Tonight were going to the fair with Charisse to, Kennedy's looking forward to it. I have made a decision to cut some people out of my life, I thought they had changed, I was so very wrong... But out of all that mess, came something else. So I will see how things work out... A little skeptical of things, but I leave it in God's hands. Your death has been one of the worst things I have ever had to go through in my life, but I can not & will not let it ruin my life. Being a single mom sucks, but what is even worse is that there is no dead beat dad.... there is no dad at all, & that is what hurts my heart the worst. Not that people blamed me for your suicide, but Kennedy is daddyless...
Love n miss you always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. As I sit here and write this, it is hard for me to grasp that you have been gone nine months now. So much has happened since you past away.As you know, the biggest change for me, was quitting my job. That has been so good for Kennedy & I. I have had so much fun with her, she loves that Mommy is home with her. Also the other changes that have come is my new place. It is so nice, to have a place of my own. I think you would have liked it here. It's a quite little place. Bean & I just stay to our selves here, but we like it. Can you believe I made all eighteen miles? I was a little surprised, but knew you, Ronnie & Jesse were with me every mile! I am doing good things! I am not saying that I do not have my moments, where it seems like everything is crashing down on me, but I know God is with me. Church has been amazing, I have been going to bible study and met some amazing ladies there. You want to hear something funny? Well at least I thought it was funny. Some people have said I am their inspiration. I never thought that would be a word used to describe me. Honestly all I do is live! I am happy I have reestablished my relationship with God. That does not mean I am perfect, or have not made some mistakes, since you past, but I am working on it as best as I can. Did I tell you next year's overnight will be in San Francisco June ninth and tenth! I am already super excited about it! I will be doing a community walk October first at Green Lake with my friend Marian for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention. That will be a lot less stressful as far as fund raising for it, and not as many miles, only a 3 or 5 K walk. Also on a sad note, I have learned of at least four more suicides since I came back from NYC. Being a survivor of suicide loss is a hell, I wish upon no one. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. I love and miss you so very much. I will always wonder why you left the stage in the middle of a song... Your beautiful song. I love and miss you. Love always n forever your wife, Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I know I made you proud, Wendy and I completed the 18 mile walk for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention Out Of The Darkness Overnight walk. It was the most amazing experience. I know you would have liked NYC babe. My goodness it was a busy city!!! I will be walking with my good friend Marian October first in the community walk. That will be held in Green Lake, and I look forward to it. I also will be going to San Francisco next year for the Overnight. It seems like I have found what I am good at... I never imagined I would be a person so passionate about raising awareness for suicide prevention awareness. Mariel Hemingway was there ( I know you probably have no clue who I am talking about), and she shared her story of how suicide has affected her life, and than told our stories. I was trying so hard not to cry on stage, but I cried. The most important mile marker to me, was mile 6, it was so much more to me than a mile marker. It symbolized what would have been our anniversary, it symbolized to me, no matter what that there is always hope. I talked to Liz the other day, and she is going to help me make something out of your camis, I am thinking sweat bands, or something like that ( and they will be going with team Ricky to San Francisco ). There is not day that goes by that I do not think about you. I love and miss you so much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I can not believe we leave tomorrow for NYC. I am a bit nervous, and super excited. They sent me the script,of what they will say when I am on stage. I just hope I do not cry, while I am up there. It still seems all so unreal to me, that you are gone. That I have embraced this journey, with arms wide open. The hardest part will be being away from Kennedy that far, and for that long. She decided to go with us to the airport to see me & mom off, were going to meet Wendy at the airport. We went & Saw you on Memorial day ( me, mom, & "Bean". She would touch your grave, & it was almost like she knew it was your place.....
I love and miss you so very much my sweet marine. Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi babe. I guess my nerves are starting to get rattled with NYC just around the corner. I am humbled & honored that I will be apart of the opening ceremonies for the Walk Through The Darkness. Wylie the public relations manager for the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention just e-mailed me the script, that they will use for the opening ceremonies. I just hope I don't start crying when they talk about my story. I am happy they are going to also mention my cousin Ronnie, & best friend Jesse. Even though I named the team after you, I am walking in memory of all you. Not just for the three of you, but all the lives that have been lost to suicide. For those who have struggled with suicidal tendencies, to let everyone know that there is always hope, that every tunnel there is light at the end of it. I know you, & Jesse would be extremely proud of me. Even though I didn't know Ronnie, I have a feeling he is watching over me, saying I'm proud of you cuz, way to change the world! Your death was not a tragedy, but merely an unexpected chain of events that have lead me to an amazing journey.I know you are watching over me, smiling, saying that's my wife & she is AWESOME!!!I love and miss you so very much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, it's been a while since I last wrote you. My walk is only 12 days away. I can not believe it!!! i am anxious, nervous & excited all at the same time. To be apart of something so amazing, over joys my heart. My Survivors Of Suicide Support group has been so helpful. I feel like it's my safe place, the one place where others will not judge me, based on whatever I am feeling in that moment. I know I have amazing family & friends there for me, whenever I need them, but it's hard to explain sometimes what I am thinking & feeling to them. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you, or miss you. I realize now 8 months later that I will never know why you ended your life, I realize now that you were sick... I just wish with all of my heart that you would have reached out for help. Ever since you past away, the only person I ever blamed was you. And now I don't blame you, I still get angry with you at times. I still wonder what your life would have been like if you were still here. I wonder so many different things babe! I wonder if you knew how much I loved you, no matter what our issues were? I wonder how your death will affect our daughter as she grows up. I wonder when my sense of "normal" will ever come back. I wonder if there is a day that I will make sense of all this, & be able to help others... All I know is my life was forever changed on 9/22/2010. I love and miss you today & always. Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... I can not believe I will be leaving for NYC in 22 days, and the walk is in 24 days. It seems like a life time ago, I decided to embark on this adventure that I am sure will help heal my heart & soul. I honestly dreaded Mother's day this year, as it was my first without you here. It however was a nice day. My mom got me a nice necklace & earrings set from Kennedy & many friends text me, to wish me a happy Mother's day. Your mom was in ICU on Mother's day ( not the way I planned on visiting her).... I have been praying for Julie, and she seems to be doing good.However the best, but yet bitter sweet part of my Mother's day... You came & visited me in a dream. I understand your spirit will always live on. Speaking of hospitals Nick & Julie are in the hospital, awaiting on the birth of their sweet baby girl. They are going to induce her today ( she went in the hospital last night, & was dilated to 2 centimeters). I am excited to meet the newest addition to our family. I have been becoming more active with church. I am taking a bible study class with pastor Jason, which is awesome. I plan on getting baptised, when they do the next water baptism.I am still trying to figure out, what I want to go to school for... I am thinking of taking writing courses, and eventually write a book based on loosing three people to suicide & how I survived these devastating losses... My life has forever changed in ways, I can not explain. I love & miss you so very much babe.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, I have not written you in what seems like forever. I can not believe you have been gone seven months now. That the over night walk in NYC is in one month. Everything seems like some weird dream, that I hope some kind of good will come out of your death. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you, that I miss you & wish with all of my heart that you were still here. Kennedy is getting so big babe, you would be so proud of what an amazing young lady she is becoming. Baby can you watch over some important people in my life, right now? It seems a lot of our friends are having some bad times right now, & I am doing my best to be there for them. It makes my heart sad to know so many people we love are hurting. I wish you were here, to give me some advice on what to do, but for now, I will leave it in God's hands & pray for my family & friends.... I really do love & miss you so very much. love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Hard to believe you have been gone almost seven months now. I can't believe how big our baby girl is getting.Kennedy's speech is getting so much better, and she is doing good in pre school. I can't believe my trio to NYC is in a couple of months. Wow - where does the time go??? I suppose I should start training for it,but you know me, never motivate until last minute. My There is hope ( a page for those affected by suicide) on face book, is slowly growing. It is amazing to me, where I have found comfort. I attend my support group, and that is my extended family, the one place where I feel completely safe. After your death, all I wanted to do was focus on raising awareness about suicide in every aspect. I am in the process of working on a slide show/video about survivors of suicide loss. I don't have many photos of survivors, some survivors are afraid of it being a trigger for them. So I guess, I will do with what I have. I love and miss you so very mush.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, it's been a long time since I last wrote you. So much has happened, and I know you would be happy with the changes I have made. Kennedy & I are all moved into our new place, and I have decided to leave my job. Something I know you wanted me to do for a long time. I had an odd dream about you last night. It didn't upset me or anything... And I am not sure why but since your death it has made me think more of my cousin Ronnie & my best friend Jesse who both died by suicide. Apart of me wishes Jesse was still here ( because when I felt like this, he picked me back up ).... I came across a father's day card Kennedy gave you, and I tell you what I have never been so angry with you as I was at that moment... I wish I could say I understand, I wish I was at that point on this journey, that I could say with full conviction in my heart that it's a mental illness.... But I just am not there yet. I know one day I will be able to forgive you, and fully accept the mental illness.... But it is so hard to comprehend. How on God's green earth do I ever explain this to our daughter, so she doesn't grow up wondering... I could have sworn she asked where you were today ( and a part of my heart just broke). Of course when I asked her what she said, and if she asked where you were... She replied with the angels in heaven... God how I wish I would have known than, what I know now.How I miss you, how I wish the roller coaster of emotions would stop... I love you and miss you.. I really never wanted you to let go last night, and than I woke up...
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. My how time flies, it does not seem like it has been almost six months since you past away. I find myself still thinking it is a bad nightmare that I will wake up from. I am working very hard to raise money for The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention ( Walk Through The Darkness Overnight in NYC ). This means so much to me. How I wish we would be celebrating our anniversary, instead of me walking in memory of you. So many people have said I am an inspiration to them, while I appreciate the compliment, I do not see how me living life is an inspiration. I truly believe if it were not for Kennedy, I would be in much darker place. Speaking of our little peanut, you would be so proud of her baby. her speech is getting better & better. The other day I was so sick, and she would not leave me, saying she was taking care of mama. And yes our baby girl still drives me up the wall with her obsession for Sponge Bob ( not much has changed in the last 5 in a half months)... I miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Well Kennedy & I are moved into our new place. She loves it ( I am still unpacking, & going through things ). I found a photo of you & Manely ( how I miss that crazy Marine ). The silent auction did awesome! We raised $600, and we are planing a second silent auction/raffle. I am really excited about it, and hope we raise big money! My friend candy is organinzing it for us. I love and miss you so very much. I hope I am making you proud with all I am doing baby. I also started a new page on myspace it is titled There is hope ( a page for those affected by suicide ), it is my hope to reach the young kids, or any one who feels hopeless. It is sad that it took your death, to get me so involved with raising awareness about suicide, I hope that I can help someone out there. I love and miss you so much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby... Well I manged to survive valentine's day just fine. Kennedy & I should hopefully be all moved in by the end of this week! It's a really cute place. I hate that I have to depend on others to help me move, this is when I get angry with you for leaving me to figure this all out on my own! There is so much good things happening, and you are not here to enjoy it with us! I wish I could get to the point where I could remember the happy times, and just in general feel better. Do not get me wrong today has been a good day, I just winder how long it takes to get 100% better, if ever. I love and miss you so very much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So many new and exciting things are happening! Kennedy & I have keys to our new apartment, our bankruptcy has been discharged! I feel less stressed out about things now. Your mom is doing better ( apparently she had a very bad case of selulitus ). I have embraced all these changes going on, while some of them scare the shit out of me. I just wish you would have held on to hope that things would work out in the end. I am realizing that I no longer hold hostility towards Jesse, that he is in a better place. I often wonder if you met him, and he helped you on your journey in heaven... Silly I know, but it is what keeps me going. I wonder if Bonnie and you got all caught up, and are kicking back together? I miss you so much!!! There is so much you are missing out on, and it seems so unfair to me, that you are not here!!! I love you with all of my heart, and wish with all of my heart that this is just a nightmare, I am going to wake up from. I love and miss you.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. So much has been going on in the last 48 hours, it has been crazy! Your mom has been in the hospital since Sunday ( Kennedy, my mom & I ) went to see Julie yesterday. It broke my heart to see your mom like that. I have been praying that she Will be okay & get to come home soon. I have been praying that certain relationships get better, and I think with time it will come. I hope all of our hearts heal soon, and the blame game will finally come to an end. I pray that I will get better, and not be so bitter. All this time that you have been gone, and I realize that NOTHING WILL BRING YOU BACK, IT IS AT THE END OF THE DAY MATERIALISTIC THINGS, THAT KENNEDY WILL MORE THAN LIKELY NEVER GET! I am tired of the fighting, and the disappointment that has came since you past away. I know that people feel entitled to your possessions, but legally I am next of kin, it just seems all so ridiculous to me really. And after all this time, I am still being "attacked" by people. It is what it is, I guess. I really am not a vengeful person, but rather a person who has said enough is enough. I love and miss you so much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby! I have amazing good news to share with you! As you know I have decided to do the Walk Through The Darkness Overnight. I have just been asked to be apart of the opening ceremonies. I am so honored to be apart of this amazing beautiful journey. I hope I am making you proud, of all my accomplishments. Today feels like such a blessed day!I love and miss you so very much baby!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. I have had so much going on. Kennedy was dedicated to God on Sunday ( she really liked that ). I have been thinking about making some life changes, that are a bit scary, but if I do it I know Kennedy and I will be okay.
Done "fighting" with certain people, but also tired if feeling bullied.So I am not sure when things will get right, or if they ever will with those people that I feel have wronged me & Kennedy. It makes me sad, that I have so much anger and resentment, and nit sure if the "relationship" will ever be repaired. Even after going to an SOS meeting, I was hoping to find the answer to my one question, and no one had an answer. Maybe I need to sit and think about it, and pray to God. I know that everything will work its self out.
I love n miss you so much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby! Jen had her baby last night ( a healthy baby boy ). As I sit here & write this I wonder where does the time go? It seems unreal to me that it was four months ago, that we lost you ( that my world was forever changed that September day ). Our baby girl is getting dedicated to God tomorrow. I think Kennedy's really excited about it! A part of me is slowly getting better, learning how to let go, to not blame myself anymore. Since your death - I wasn't sure I would know how to live, what to do, but I am slowly figuring it out. I love and miss you so very much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby! I am trying to not be bitter, and be better. But I think that is so much easier said than done! I think that as the anniversary of your death approaches, I become more irritable, and "out of control" with ANGER. Maybe I am still angry with you for the way you decided to end of your life is so unfair to not only me, but our beautiful daughter! I am trying to still make sense of your death, and I more than likely never will. God how I did love you ( while some people have stated recently that I didn't or I wasn't in love with you any more ). I know we had so many issues, but I really did love you with all of my heart & soul. Who are they to say how I felt about you, what do they know about what I am feeling or thinking four months later. I guess your death has taught me who are my real friends, til the bitter end.
I love and miss you so very much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Today was a good day. I am surprised at some of the people that have managed to come back into my life recently. I believe everything happens for a reason,and maybe they are here to help heal my broken heart & help me realize that there was nothing I could do to change the events of that night. I miss you so much!

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. As I sit here and write this there is so much anger inside of me, I am literally seeing RED!! Why do I allow these people to upset me so much? Do they not realize the consequences of their actions? You would think they would be willing to compromise with me and at least meet me half way! Tonight has brought me to whole new level of CRAZY that I do not like at all. It hurts my heart that I have become this way, but feel like I have been pushed to my limit and can no longer take it! Since you have past away, I have been blamed for your death, fought with people over your possessions that LAWFULLY BELONG TO ME, BECAUSE I ( HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOUR PARENTS ) I AM THE NEXT OF KIN!!! This has made me physically ill now. And your mom keeps playing "victim", I am so over it!!!! Your father has said some terrible things to me, after you passed away ( I have forgiven, but never will forget). I have now decided Kennedy will have nothing to with your parents ever again!!! I know I am beyond ANGRY right now, and am sure at some point I will change my mind about your parents. God why did you leave me??? Why I am having ti be this person I hate so much? I love and miss you so very much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Alina called me to tell me Shawn David Gulseth was caught in San Diego. This has brought joy to my heart, and now I hope Bonnie can finally rest in peace. My hope is that this will bring some peace to the girls. I love and miss you so very much!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. The last couple of days have been tough. Last night our girl called me, and she is not doing good. I wish I knew the right words to tell her, but I can not find them. I so desperately want to tell her everything will be okay, but I know how that upset me when I lost you. I wish with all my heart that there was something more I could do for her. I love and miss you so much baby.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby, it's been a while since I have written you. So much has been going on. Yesterday Kennedy, my mom & I went to Evan & Liz's for Quynn's 3rd birthday! You would have fallen in love with her ( she is super cute) & our girls are getting so big - & have become such beautiful little girls. A part of me feels torn, I have made some important decisions recently, & I know it will not make some people happy, but I think it is what is best for right now. I have tried to consider so many other people's feelings, and not cause waves, but I feel that I have been taken advantage of, and I am done being taken advantage of!!! What people seem to fail to realize is I am next of kin, & all of your possessions belong to me, I am not asking for them for me but your daughter & people want to lie to my to face about things they STOLE FROM YOUR DAUGHTER AT YOUR FUNERAL!!!!! I know this is going to cause hell, but I am so done feeling sorry for people, who have been HEARTLESS AND CRUEL TO ME, AND STOLE FROM OUR DAUGHTER!!! I suppose I should really call who is bothering me & talk this out, but I am so upset that I know I will say things that are heartless. I am tired of people making me feel shitty because they think I am keeping Kennedy from them! Not until recently have I pulled her away, and I do not feel I need to justify it to ANY ONE!!! Why would they lie to me about your possessions, why would they hurt your daughter like that, and think it is me they are getting even with? This whole nightmare has hurt my heart & made me become a BITCH!!! I know that this has to be hurting you, and that you wouldn't want all this fighting going on. I am lost, confused, angry & hurt. I never thought of all people that one of the people involved in all of this would be the one capable of lying to me to. I guess I shouldn't be to shocked - not the first time they have lied and stole from our family! I love n miss you!
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang

Dear Ricky,

Hi baby. Well it is now 2011, and I hope this year is much better than last year. Kennedy started Bridges last night ( a support group for kids ages 4-18, that have lost a parent), I think she enjoyed going. This weekend we are going to Evan & Liz's to celebrate Quynn's birthday. I am excited to see them! Wish you were going to be there with us!The silent auction benefit ( There is hope ) is starting to come along!!!! I am so excited about planning this event, and hope we have a good turn out for it! Did I tell you that Michael is going to DJ this event for us??? Which will be awesome!!! Wendy is trying to help me plan some major stuff for our benefit, so I hope it will work out! I hope that I am making you proud of all I am doing.I love and miss you so much.
Love always n forever your wife,
Ang